The Mega-Zine Museum
January 5, 2005
JUNIOR MINISTER I'm quite partial to mince pies, even more so now they're all half-price. Don't be pie-shy...
VIGILANTE MAELSTROM I'd like to invite you all to a surprise party for WLW. Don't tell him. Er..?
THE ONE WITH THE MIGHTY ANTLERS Never buy a new oven near to Christmas. At 12.30pm on Christmas Day my mother discovered she'd set the oven to defrost instead of fan. Nice turkey?
CHALLENGE FOR QUEEN MARTHA
Personally, I find the sight of middle-aged men squealing "I'm a laydee!" and "I'm the only gay in the vill-edge!" absolutely hilarious.
We may have to agree to disagree on this one.
Alternatively, we could settle this with handbags at dawn. I'm free next Tuesday...
Camarac
Don't think Matt Lucas and David
WALLIAMS WOULD LIKE 'MIDDLE-AGED'!
IT'S COLD
If it's going to be cold it could at least snow, and if it's going to snow it could snow so much that I get the day off work. What's the point of snow if you can't throw it at people?
And sledging, there's nothing more fun than going down a hill at 60mph and seeing a huge fence in front of you and having to decide to crash or jump off. Either way you're going to get hurt.
The 'Ziner formerly known as YeahYeahYeah
My hooves get cold on the trot to
WORK IN SNOW. I HATE IT.
JAFFA CAKES
I was going down to my local convenience store this very morning when a beautiful sight befell my eye.
They were huge. And blue. With orange writing. And just two of my fine English pounds.
What were they I hear you cry?
Jaffa Cakes of course! Metre-long tubes of Jaffa Cakes! I'm in heaven...
Local Person
I've heard those tubes are almost as
LONG AS MY NECK? I'M IN HEAVEN TOO.
GINGERS
I want to be ginger. I've always wanted to be ginger, but peroxide scares me and at the moment my hair is that cruddy deep red colour which makes everyone think it's black (it isn't, it's definitely red).
I want to be a ginger, but all the hair dyes have been discontinued in the colours I like.
I'm in a strop now.
Numberthree
I heard eating a lot of carrots
HELPS. IT DID ME, LAST SUMMER.
NEW DISEASE
I have discovered the following disease - Little Britainitus. Sufferers continually spout the catchphrase: "Yeah I know" until it is no longer funny.
My mother has been afflicted.
Duchess Pandora of Ormondroyd
Richard and Judy did it too. No more
IS IT COOL TO SAY 'YEH'KNOW'. OK?
HOLIDAY HELL
As many have discovered, an anagram of Santa is Satan, thus proving why Christmas is hell. Other factors should be taken into account: Family, fights, feuds... you get the idea.
This is one reason for banning family holidays. Instead, exile your family and go for the option of Vira Les Pamplemeese day (the name needs a bit of work).
Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller and Elden Ray
And what can we expect from this
DAY? TREE? PREZZIES? MOUSSES? WHAT?
THINGS TO DO IN MANCHESTER
I spent this Crimbo in the traditional way - in the spiritual capital of the North - and here is what I did.
- Went on the Morrissey tour.
- Wandered around the shops without buying anything.
- Waited in Piccadilly Gardens trying not to get noticed.
- Had an actual kebab and not the stuff drunks eat.
- Ate too much.
The Owl of Bewilderment
I'm interested in this Morrissey
TOUR. WHERE DID IT TAKE YOU?
