The Mega-Zine Museum
March 7, 2004
YE PURPLE PUFF OF ANCIENT LORE A note to bald maths teachers: don't stand in front of the projector... Ahh, the old full moon is shining trick.
MADAM ME That's weird, I thought I put my camel round here somewhere. He rode off down to visit Mabel. She's cooking.
TOPPER I seem to choose the exact most embarrassing moment to fall over. I hate you gravity. You big sweaty goon. I keep slipping in the shower. I need a safety mat like babies have.
THE USEFULNESS OF WHAT IS NOT
Isn't it funny how sometimes what makes something useful is the empty space it contains.
Some examples:
- Buckets — it's the space inside them that makes them useful for carrying stuff.
- If a hat already contained a head, you couldn't wear it.
- Nothing could fill this page unless it was empty.
Clive Eats Alligators
That's the most intelligent discovery
WE'VE HAD HERE FOR AGES
HELP!
Last weekend my 12-year-old townie cousin (oh the shame) came to stay, bringing her Busted and Blazin' Squad CDs.
After having to listen to this non-stop for two days, I've been shocked to find myself walking round singing Flip Reverse — in fact, I'm doing it right now!
I think you'll agree this has to stop so can anyone recommend a good counsellor?
The Sheep With Nowhere To Sleep
Sounds like it's too late
YOU'VE TURNED BURBERRY COLOURED!
CRAVENDALE
So Cravendale is so good the cows want it back, but what are they going to do with it if they succeed? Drink it? Use a tube to somehow get it back into their udders? Or just store it up somewhere?
And if the cows object to supermarkets selling their milk, then why do they continue to let themselves be milked?
Cows can't be that smart after all.
The Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly
Cows always have
A BEEF
SMARTIES
Whatever happened to the king of all adverts — only Smarties have the answer?!
Now what has the answer, M&Ms?
I made all my life-changing decisions based on what the Smarties said, which may explain why I live in a tree, and only wear spots!
Captain Sparrow's Dreadlock
Do you have a limited-edition
BLUE SHELL ALSO?
YOU KNOW YOU'VE MET A TOWNIE WHEN...
- You can't see them for the Burberry garments.
- They sit pointlessly bobbing their heads to Blazin' Squad on the bus.
- They have earrings the size of dinner plates (the girls, not the boys).
- They comment about the "witty" letters on B*ckch*t.
Don't townies have such taste when it comes to music, fashion and Teletext.
I Can Believe It's Not Butter
It's not their fault
THEY ARE SO MISGUIDED
THE TRAVESTY KNOWN AS BUSTED
I'm sorry to open up this whole sordid affair but after seeing them murder one of the greatest songs of all time by one of the greatest bands of all time, Teenage Kicks by the Undertones, I had to vent my anger.
Each member took it in turns to "sing" a verse from the song.
Next time I see them, not that I have seen them before, thank God, I will poke them with my large novelty spoon.
Bob Geldof's Underwear
Nothing was as bad as Katie Melua
AND JAMIE CULL-HIM
CUCUMBER
It's common knowledge that a cucumber is about 95% water. So what would happen if you only consumed 19/20ths of it?
Would you be drinking the cucumber, or eating the water?
Or would you have entered the limbo realm of partly-digested vegetables?
Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller
Not keen on cucumbers
PREFER TOMATOES IN MY SALAD
