Mega-Zine
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January 7, 2003

'IT' WLW, can you help me? I've lost my life and I don't know where to find a new one. This is as good a place to start as any. Welcome to Barkingville.

AMMOPOGO When I shout "up and at 'em", and my accomplice shakes his spear, everybody rush the pigeons. Will you pleeeeease let the pigeon thing go!

NANCY WITH THE LAUGHING FAWE I don't speak asterisk. What does **** mean? How the **** should I know? Ha ha ha... geddit? How the... oh, please yourself.

 

ICE COLD

All fizzy drinks say this is how you should serve them. So when I bought a can of Coke the other day, I did EXACTLY what it said on the can.

On a completely unrelated topic, would you like to clean out my freezer, WLW?

Gnuffo1

Ah, the old exploding Coke can, eh?

BUMMER

 

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

  1. Come to terms with my ugliness
  2. Be the leader of a revolution
  3. Stop skateboarding, it's becoming too fashionable
  4. Marry WLW and go and live in the Bronx
  5. Have a bit on the side with Bam Margera

Purple Punk

So you're gonna dump me in the Bronx

AND HAVE A FLING? I THINK NOT!

 

LOTTO AND THE DEVIL

Isn't it simply hilarious that Billy Connolly's purple goatee makes him look and sound like the devil AND he advertises a form of gambling?

Well, I think it's funny.

WLW, can you draw me a devil or something to make up for not printing me in ages?

Citizen Twiggy

I'm sure you were on the other day...

LET ME CHECK IN THE TOWER'S VAULT

 

CHICKENS

Does anybody know the number I ring to try and get my chicken on Big Brother 4? He has distinctive brown feathers and answers to the name of Wilbur.

The only problem is that he is a bit of an attention seeker and may miss his nightly Ovaltine and Bourbon biscuit.

Failing that, I also have an earthworm.

The Animal Of Farthing Wood

Guaranteed, if Wilbur gets on there,

HE'LL BE THE MOST INTERESTING THING

 

IF YOU COULD TEXT 'ZINE...

...itd be gr8! u'd get msgs like this. wudn't that be gr8, WLW? y hav u not fought about dis b4, m8? zeen is da best lololol! i fink u... oh, to heck with this. But you get the idea.

Text-language is society's foremost evil, as vividly illustrated by the text-friendly B*ckch*t. Users of it need to get lives, or be permanently removed from the community.

Insane Jam Sow

I wholeheartedly agree — texting is for

ILLITERATE, PERSONALITY-FREE MORONS

 

REASONS WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE A NATURAL BLONDE

  1. You can be stupid and dirty and no one minds because they expect it.
  2. People are surprised when you act intelligent so you get a whole load more respect and attention.
  3. If your hair's really light blonde and soft, people go, "wow, your hair's really light blond and soft," and want to touch it.

Erm... that's it really!

Kleenex the Cop

Three good enough reasons, though —

I'M OFF TO BUY SOME DYE

 

WHAT MY GREAT AUNT GOT ME FOR CHRISTMAS (it was a nice package):

  • Manchester United's official rhubarb and custard sweets.
  • The Simpsons "Ay Carumba" hand wash.
  • Three weighted balls on a piece of string. A townie craze, I think.
  • Miniature football scarf.
  • £4.50

Cheers, auntie, I look forward to next Christmas.

Jambon Magnetique

Blimey, what did you do to her

TO DESERVE THAT LOAD OF OLD TOSH?