The Mega-Zine Museum
November 5, 2002
PURPLE PUNK Dogs are evil... grannies more so. Wot do you think, WLW? I'm not prepared to incur the wrath of granny WLW and end up with another sweater.
ZERTRUDE TROUT Are you harbouring weapons of mass destruction, WLW? Tell the truth. Well, I have a stapler that can be very unpredictable at times.
THE HOLY PIMPLE How lonely and sad my life is. Do you want to know why? Tough. Oh dear, and I was soooo interested too.
HELLO!
I might as well jump on the bandwagon and say I'm back, too. I doubt anyone missed me though. Well, did you?
Tough luck anyway, 'cos I'm back for good. Too desperate?
Gothic Raeven
Just a tad —
AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
WLW
I've finally worked out who you are. You're Bernard Manning! You're fed up with the new wave of "alternative" comedians and audiences not appreciating your mother-in-law jokes. So, in order to get your little one-liners in, you got a job editing a Teletext page.
It's so simple, I don't know how I've not thought of it before. Am I right or am I right?
The Young Upstart
Been called some things in my time...
BUT BERNARD MANNING? DEFFO NOT
NORTHAMPTON
I, too, come from the town known as Northampton... and we have just had one of the largest street fairs in Europe. Sounds good but, as with every other year, it was infested by townies by the names of Kayleigh, Shanice and Mercedes.
You do realise, there'll come a time when there's people in an old people's home called Shanice <shudders>.
Armadillo in a Fan-Assisted Oven
Old people called Jordan too — and
CHANTALLE AND KYLIE AND ROMEO...
JEREMY BEADLE
Where's he gone? I dread to think that he's still in that thing that looks like Fort Boyard from that Ant and Dec programme! I think we should start a petition to get him back.
He could go back to presenting You've Been Framed. I was devastated the first time I turned on and saw Lisa Riley. I mean, he was so great at it, especially the way he looked so depressed every time he said: "Well, that's all we've got time for this week."
The Windmill From Uruguay
I'm all for tradition and stuff but
THERE'S A LIMIT — AND HE'S IT
TOP 5 UNDERRATED WONDERS OF THE WORLD
- The Mint Club — overshadowed by the Orange Club, but deserves attention.
- Michelle Branch — ironically dwarfed by Avril Lavigne.
- Futurama — shunned in favour of the Simpsons, although it is inferior.
- Coronation Street — miles better than shoddy EastEnders, plus it contains foxes like Maria, Sarah and Geena.
- Jamie Carragher — Mr Consistent, unappreciated like Didi Hamann.
Concrete Donkey
Orange Club, Avril Lavigne, Simpsons,
'STENDERS, CAMPBELL... ALL BETTER
NOW SEE HERE
I've had quite enough bashing of Dandelion and Burdock. Any more and my spleen will burst and ooze out of my ears.
I rank it highly on the beverage podium 'o' goodness — next to lime cordial and Irn-Bru.
It is a well-established part of our society and, without it, many a bad thing would happen... like carrot theft, wanton cow-tipping and backwards jaywalking. Is this the way you want to go?
The Suited Stranger
I had no idea it had such an effect
ON MODERN SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT
LOLA THE ANGRY SHOWGIRL
After reading your recent there-are-no-nice-men letter, I have decided to inform you that I am a very nice man (or at least, I try to be).
I hope that this will stop you being an angry showgirl and cause you to become a happy showgirl, or at least a slightly miffed showgirl.
The Yorkie Bar Kid
You see? There are one or two
BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK REEEEEAL HARD
