Mega-Zine
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June 14—15, 2002

A LEPRECHAUN CALLED STEVE Wanted: Poor excuse for an E-list celebrity, must be happy to waste space on Teletext, p142, sub-page 1. Sound familiar, anyone? Of whom do you speak, little man?

SCHIZONUMBER3 My hair is long and dark brown. Should I have bright red streaks put in it? Answers to CENSORED please. I need your advice! Do it.

SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT WLW, do you know a cure for hiccups? Failing that, do you know a cure for world poverty? No!

 

WHY? WHY? WHY?

I am kinda perplexed, in an effort to discover the meaning of life and various other things that annoy me, such as:

  1. Townies, why?
  2. Slipknot, why?
  3. B*ckch*t, why?
  4. Pointless lists that don't actually get any further than number 4, why?

Wantang Bob

Big Brother, why? H and Claire, why?

GAZZA AS A WORLD CUP PUNDIT, WHY?

 

IF 'ZINERS WERE IN A CRICKET TEAM:

1929—opening batsman (just keeps churning them out)
Fluffy—wicket keeper (he has huge hands... allegedly)
Jezza (Me!)—charismatic all-rounder and captain (for obvious reasons)
Parsley—fast bowler (just gets all annoyed with people and is quite fiery)

Wow, if we had another few players and I had any imagination, we could beat any team in the world... in our dreams.

Jezza (The Tree Hugging cricketer)

And I shall be umpire... and open to

ALL MANNER OF BRIBES

 

CHOCOLATE ORANGES

The core of a chocolate orange is always much nicer than the segments. This may or may not be to do with relative surface area, but if our biology course is right, it should be.

Everything revolves around surface area, after all...

Sir Whence Pitchfork

Means nothing to me — all I know is

IT'S CONFECTIONERY OF THE GODS!

 

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

  • You don't care if no-one notices your haircut.
  • No work colleague has the power to make you cry.
  • Beer.
  • David Bowie and Rod Stewart do not exist in our universe.
  • Farts are funny.

God, it's a good life!

Spike the Spikey Pineapple

Why do I get the impression you can

PLAY TUNES WITH YOUR ARMPIT?

 

NOW, NOW CHILDREN

I think it is time to bring these pages to seriousness. Yesterday, in my local town, I saw something truly terrible and I just had to talk to somebody about it.

It was so coarse and awful, I had to leave sooner than scheduled.

The name of this vicious beast? Star Wars.

Yellow Jello

You'd think they'd learn a lesson

AFTER THE LAST PILE OF JUNK

 

MY LONELY HEARTS COLUMN AD:

Female, 16, into watching TV, making stupid webpages, ringing people's doorbells and running away and sitting in photo booths spinning around in the little stool.

Seeks like-minded date for arguments, unhappy marriage and eventual divorce.

I think I sold myself quite well there!

The Little Silver Moonbaby

Can't see why you won't be

FLOODED WITH OFFERS, LASS

 

ONE DAY

One day I'm going to take up my dream job as one of those people who walk round exam halls, not doing anything and getting paid!

We've got one at the moment who looks like Gary from EastEnders.

This is such a short letter so why don't you draw me a picture of something to cheer me up... please!

Drawing of a dog.

The Gingerbread Frog

I was gonna try Gary from EastEnders —

SADLY, WELLARD WILL HAVE TO DO!