The Mega-Zine Museum

June 16, 2002

SOAP SUD Happy Bagpuss Appreciation Day! Crikey, has that come round again already? Seems like only yesterday.

SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT Ever tried to shove a tun of Vaporub up your nose? It's not big and it's not clever... and it's also extremely painful. And don't even get me started on Deep Heat!

JEZZA Howard (from the Halifax ads) has a perfectly round head and glasses. He scares me. Please, someone, anyone, rid us of that annoying man.

IF 'ZINERS WERE...

Breakfast Cereals:

Jeff The Jiff

But can the Brigadier eat three?

POSSIBLY, WITH A SMALL SHERRY

THINGS I HATE BUT FEEL COMPELLED TO DO:

1. Read B*ckch*t
2. Watch Big Brother
3. Eat BrusselS sprouts
4. Watch Spooks
5. Not have Yorkshire pudding with roast lamb, despite it blatantly being a great combination

Spike the Spikey Pineapple

Just wait until you have to do

YOUR OWN IRONING

MY TALES OF A CHECKOUT PERSON

I hate people who shout at me, think I am thick, insist I call the manager, ask me things (especially when I am on a break) and bring things back and act like it's my fault.

I hate cleaning up, Sundays, my boss. I like being able to squirt the posh perfumes and talking to the other people who ARE nice to me.

Schizonumber3

Hmmmmm... it would appear the hates

FAR OUTWEIGH THE LIKES THOUGH

REGARDING MY MONIKER...

Upon writing my first e-mail to these hallowed pages, I realised that I needed a suitably ridiculous name. So I just typed random gibberish. The name below was the result.

Alfalfa the Lawyer, will you stop wasting your time on small matters like this? Instead, you could concentrate on important issues, such as finding out who is responsible for that hideous boy band, Blue!

The Dark Blue Penguin of Despair

Never mind Blue —

LET'S START WITH RIK WALLER!

SECLUDED RAINBOW

I told myself I'd learn guitar over the summer, too. Wanna join me? I have a feeling I'm not going to get far without help.

I can only play six chords and even then, the strings twang and my fingers feel all wobbly.

I want to be in a crusty band right now!

Tiger in Blueprint

I don't think being able to PLAY guitar

IS NECESSARILY THAT IMPORTANT!

XPHILE2868 DOES IT AGAIN!

Picture the scene... 80 GCSE Geography students, about five teachers and a certain person, who we'll call X2868 (no, better make that Xphile2), falls asleep! Worst of all, I snored!

I wonder why God decided to let that happen, especially when the girl I fancy is sitting a few chairs away!

XPhile2868 (He of the Internet)

Oops! Snoring —

NEVER A WINNER WITH THE LAYDEES

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!

I have an embarrassing problem. I'm in love with... Gary Lineker!

I don't know what it is, the ears, the nose... please, I need help!

I am offering the mighty reward of 7p, a button and last week's TV guide for a cure for this condition.

I need your help, before it's too late!

Anxious Aardvark

If you're in love with that smug idiot,

IT'S ALREADY WAY, WAAAAY TOO LATE!

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