The Mega-Zine Museum
January 3, 2002
LI'L RED'S BIGBADWOLF I have a cure for heartburn... eat toothpaste! I don't even want to know how you found out!
FISH ON THE LINE WLW, I'm sending this on December 20, let's see if you can get it printed by the first week of January! If you do, a box of chocolates is on its way to you. I expect a box of the finest Belgian choccies by return.
THE ONE WITH THE MIGHTY ANTLERS A short, yet meaningful poem: Hear'say, go away. And so say all of us.
REASONS TO LOATHE CHRIS TARRANT:
- He exists
- He goes fishing (cruel, vicious "sport" for the brain-dead)
- He gets awards for his stupid show when the Weakest Link in much better
- He perches on his stool passing irritating, patronising comments, watching his millions multiply
- He's a Capital FM DJ.
Need I go on?
Sugared Venom
No! Frankly, I think you've
SUMMED HIM UP QUITE NICELY
MMMM... ANGER
Today I was outraged to find someone in my kitchen. Being the patient, rational being that I am, I remained calm.
That is until he decided to interfere with my cooking. Is nothing sacred?
Surely, there should be a law against this kind of thing. Grrrr...
Hell's Chef
Was it God?
POPPED DOWN TO MAKE A HAM TOASTIE?
WLW
What's with the putting pictures in people's letters? When did that start? You've never put a picture in any of mine...
How about a pilchard somewhere on this page?
The Psychedelic Gloom
It started as a one-off and I sort of
GOT CARRIED AWAY!
THE STEPS SPLIT — A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
All we are praying for now is the end of Hear'Say, a new series of League Of Gentlemen and a discount for the unemployed instead of the "throwing money at money" student discount.
It's the unemployed who need cheap beer. Students need books and a kick up the proverbial bottom.
The Snorkmistress
Perchance, have you had a run-in with a
PARTICULARLY FEISTY SLACKER?
DEAR WLW AND 'ZINERS
My top movie cliches:
- Person sits bolt upright in bed sweating and panting after a nightmare.
- Every bullet fired in a movie has a ricochet sound.
- Cars collide, they take off, fly though the air and burst into flames.
They just don't happen!
Shotgun Ziegler
And every bad made-for-TV movie
HAS JACLYN SMITH IN IT — BIZARRE!
6 OUT OF 10 DRIVERS ARE...
I recently broke down in my car whilst stuck in a traffic jam on the northbound carriage of the M1. To ease my boredom, I decided to watch all the other drivers stuck in that gridlocked hell near Toddington Services.
To my astonishment, I discovered that 6 out of every 10 drivers could only be described as "fat blokes with moustaches".
We live in a scary world!
Jasper, The Evil Ghost
Of which, I would venture,
AT LEAST 4 WERE PICKING THEIR NOSE
REJOICE! I HAVE RETURNED!
While away on safari, I exercised my video recording contraption to tape a televisual piece starring that gorgeous young filly, Tamzin Outhwaite.
It was a top class militaristic drama — jolly exciting. And my, what a fine looking wench Ms Outhwaite is too.
She is welcome to sit in my garden and listen to my tales of derring-do, while I pour us an aperitif before serving the Twiglets.
The Brigadier
Those footsteps you hear, running...
THAT'S TAMZIN HEADING FOR TIBET
