The Mega-Zine Museum

January 2, 2002

PARSLEY POSSUM Wow, WLW, you have brown eyes just like me! Don't we have loads in common? Will you be my friend? But of course — let's go paint the town.

SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT Do you ever find that you think you have lost your car keys, only to realise that you didn't have a car in the first place? If I had a pound for every time...

MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE Life is pointless, unless you're a triangle, in which case, you have 3 points! Oh dear.

THE BRIGADIER PHENOMENON

This is truly a deeply troubled young man, relying on alcohol at such a tender age. Where are his parents when all this port and sherry drinking goes on? It's just not healthy.

Plus, port? Surely the most disgusting drink only surpassed by gin!

WLW, am I right to be this worried? Or should I just leave him be with his dependency?

Kellogulation

I think he's best left alone —

LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERTS

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

1. NXT The Lonely Homosapien
2. CAT5187
3. Plughole Fantasy
4. Sir Whence Pitchfork
5. Fred The Evil One
6. Red Chipolata
7. TAFKA Gonzo
8. Miss Tristesse
9. Self Obsession Honey
10. Psychedelic Gloom

Duff Paddy

It's a new year, so who knows?

ALL MANNER OF LOONS MAY EMERGE

FRED DURST

I have a friend who looks so much like Fred Durst, it's scary. I've tried giving him a range of advice, from covering his head with a bag to moving to a far, far off place.

He continues to ignore my advice, so I'm running out of ideas. How can I help him before it's too late?

Pessimistic Peanut

I've passed this on to Dr Nick —

HE'S STILL LAUGHING

A POWEM

It's strange, the day you realise
That not everyone thinks the way you do
And not everyone feels the need to act
In a way accepted by society
Then you start to think differently
And start to hate your act
And you're madly in love
But no-one else cares
You need a place to hide

NiLiD

Lovely. I have no idea what you mean,

BUT IT'S LOVELY ANYWAY!

SCARY PEOPLE ON TV

1. Anne Robinson
2. Judge Judy (you never argue with her)
3. Pauline Fowler's face
4. Ainsley Harriot (he's so cheerful, it's scary).

The Cornflake Kid

You can add Kilroy and Trisha to that,

DAYTIME TV HAS NEVER BEEN SO SCARY

ALBUMS

5 album titles that surely aren't suitable:

Vengaboys — The Platinum Album
Five — Invincible
Spice Girls — Forever
Eternal — Eternal
Jane McDonald — Inspiration

Inspiration? I think not.

The One With The Mighty Antlers

Jane McDonald — surely the

'MUSICAL' EQUIVALENT OF VALIUM

NASTY MUSEUMS

Well, I didn't make a nasty museum, but in a pub not a million miles from me (about 10) there is, wait for it, a framed collection of antique bottle openers! How sad is the poor landlord?

Should we club together and get him some therapy?

Come on, shake your pennies out and let's help the guy — face it, he needs help just as much as the owner of the infamous lawnmower museum!

Black Widow

You know what? I bet we've doubled the

ATTENDANCE AT THE LAWNMOWER MUSEUM!

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