Mega-Zine Museum: Letters

October 7, 2004

MERCY NUTS If everyone directed their violence at fruit rather than each other, the world would be a healthier place. It would be very mushy though.

YE PURPLE PUFF OF ANCIENT LORE You say it best, when you say nothing at all. Take note, Busted. You think they should cover a Ronan track?

LORD CHARLES There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. Keeping in shape.

WHERE'S MY KEY?

I'll make sure I have a key before leaving the house in future. I sat on the doorstep for an hour thinking: "Why hasn't our nosey neighbour spotted me and invited me in out of the cold?"

My jeans were soaking wet because I'd accidentally sat in a puddle, although my brother thought there was another reason to explain it.

Next time I think I'll just break the window.

Toenail Clippings

If I were you I'd make your miserable

NEIGHBOUR SPIN-DRY YOUR JEANS

TO BE A SLOTH

Such great animals. Basically they get paid to be lazy all day.

They don't get paid of course — I made that up to make you feel momentary jealousy and confusion.

Next, I'll hypnotise you and make you do an impression of a rampaging chicken, just running around destroying towns and stuff.

Watch it.

Stuttercut

Eek, I just trampled over Walsall and

LEFT FAKE FEATHERS EVERYWHERE...

JO BRAND

Jo Brand sucks. She's not funny at all.

She tells the same jokes over and over again because she knows people will feel sorry for her.

If I was Jo Brand, I'd probably just spend all my money and move countries.

She drives a belting car though — seen it? I'd have one.

Farmer Jack

Ah, so she's not that rubbish you're

JUST JEALOUS OF HER MOTOR...

FOOD NIGHTMARES

Get an apple (the fruity kind, not the mis-named child) and make a small column with a corer. Then stick some Starburst in there. Juice it up and you get a whole lot of niceness.

But don't try this with a pencil. The graphite doesn't match the colour and it can be poisonous.

Next week, you'll need chocolate sauce, ice cream, syrup and sprinkly things.

Sophia Wisdom

But no rusty spanners as that would

JUST TASTE ALL WRONG, EH SOPHE?

HALLOWEEN

Well, I'm contemplating what to go as for the Halloween fancy dress party.

Maybe I could "borrow" my mum's white bed sheet, cut out two eye-holes and be a ghost. Or dress myself up as an over-sized pumpkin. Or buy a tacky 59p mask from Wilko?

Then again, I could just scrap all of the above and go as myself.