Mega-Zine
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March 15, 2004

THE UNITED TRUTH Do you like my new shoes WLW? What do you mean no? They have butterflies and spirals on them! What's not to like? I'm just jealous they don't come in my size.

THE FIFTH BULLDOG Giblets! Such a funny word! One of my favourites too. Gibble wibble dibble.

FAY PRESTO I always close my eyes and wait for the page to change when a letter from Sykopathik Mushroom comes on. Freaky.

 

WELCOME BACK

Aha, I am back! I have been on vast expeditions to Lapland, making pop-up cards with junior school children, helping my dad move to a Monopoly house and even witnessing the blowing up of my toaster, which I am now scared stiff of.

Are you able to welcome me back? Please?

You probably can't remember me anyway. Sob!

The One Who Sells Muffins

You should cut your muffins in half

BEFORE SLOTTING IN THE TOASTER

 

GOOD TIMES...

I was walking down the street the other day complaining of unemployed life, when as if from nowhere two girls pounced on me and offered me a job!

I boldly accepted, and now I get paid to bully people into buying new windows! Fun, no? Ah well.

Sorry I haven't written in for a while, I still love you WLW... will you have me back?

The Greatness That Is Me

I've got enough windows thanks

THE TOWERS ARE MADE OF GLASS

 

SCHOOL REPORT CARD

  • Geography — Does well to find her way home.
  • Biology — Must never be allowed to reproduce.
  • Maths — Innumerate.
  • English — Illiterate.
  • German — Dumkopf.
  • Latin — No hopeus ignoramus.
  • French — Quelle une plonkeur.

Overall comments — A career as a television presenter beckons.

Barbie Booby

How did you get hold of

JUNE SARPONG'S CARD?!

 

THE TRUTH

  • People don't have spots because they are stressed, they are just a spotty person.
  • When people are drunk and kiss you, it doesn't mean they actually like you. In fact, they most probably don't even know your name.
  • Brown clothes are ugly.
  • Boys are losers. They take one look at you and then decide if they like you or not.

Satan's Little Helper

Brown is a lovely colour to wear

MY SPOTS ARE THAT SHADE

 

CUCUMBER VS CELERY

Although Arrant Nerd is right about cucumber being 95% water, so too is the uselessness that is celery. There's so much water there it's a wonder it actually exists in solid form. Apparently, it takes more energy to eat it than you gain from it.

So now you know where the world's water supplies are: 5% in icebergs, rivers and lakes; 95% in cucumber and celery. Makes you think.

Insane Jam Sow

And in summer they talk

ABOUT DROUGHTS...

 

CHARACTERISTICS OF CERTAIN TYPES OF TEACHER

  • PE: Balding, a bit on the hefty side, and very hard to tell whether they're joking or not.
  • DEPUTY HEADS: Always secretly plotting against the head teacher.
  • IT: Very anonymous and ever-so-slightly incompetent.
  • ART: Dark and intense; no sense of humour.
  • ENGLISH: Will have facial hair — regardless of gender.

The Wonky Gnome

My PE teacher

WAS LIKE AN ARMY MAJOR