The Mega-Zine Museum
January 2—3, 2004
THE VILLAGE IDIOT I am not a pub. I am the 'Zine intellectual. Isn't that so, dopey? A Zine "intellectual"? No sorry, that doesn't compute round these parts.
ROCKSTAR SEAN I wonder if I stand near a phone and act as if I've got no money then Holly Valance would walk up to me. Hmmm. I think Holly's busy but you might get the Fast Food Rockers.
POLE DANCING POPE How do bees stay on their flight paths in strong winds? Hmm? They follow the honey.
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
- Stop eating teabags.
- Get a job.
- Grow hair like Hernan Crespo's.
- Knock out Spiky Stuy and Topper.
- Give The Great Pretender a dry slap.
- Attempt to tolerate Busted better.
Mr Fahrenheit
Hair like Hernan Crespo?
WHY NOT ROBERT PIRES?
MEAN THINGS TO DO TO A DOG
- Smear chocolate spread on the back of its head and watch it try and lick it off.
- Put some meat on a shelf just out of its reach.
- Stare at it until it gets mad.
- Give it rabbit food.
No dogs were harmed in the making of this list.
The Possessed Spoon
It's still mental cruelty
CALL THE RSPCA
TIMMY MALLETT
I went to see the Utterly Brilliant Timmy Mallett stage show in 1992, at the age of 9.
One sheet of paper in the souvenir programme had "Your Very Own Corner To Cut Off And Keep". I did cut off the corner, and more than a decade later, I've just discovered I still have it.
Did any other 'Ziners keep this priceless souvenir?
Miss MacPhisto
No, although I do have a
WORLD CUP WILLIE STICKER
CHRISTMAS IS OVER (HOPEFULLY)
I write this from a time before Christmas, in anticipation of a time when it's all over, and I don't have to pretend to be festive any longer.
The mince pies have all been eaten, the presents are all ready to be returned to the shops, and those distant relatives you didn't know you had have gone home.
What's that you say? Easter eggs? Argh!
Insane Jam Sow
Oi misery boots!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH EASTER EGGS?
SUCCESS AT LAST
I went to a fancy dress ball
I shouldn't have been there at all
I wasn't wearing a fancy dress
I just looked my usual mess
Imagine my absolute surprise
When I was awarded first prize
The judge looked at me and said
"You're a very convincing unmade bed".
Dearie Me
You'd look a hoot
IN YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT
USING ARMADILLOS AS WEAPONS
It has been brought to my angry attention that some fool with an unpronouncable name (something to do with danger and buckets) has made plans to use me as a weapon against certain absent teachers. This madness must be stopped.
Despite my name I am not an angry war-seeking armadillo but a peaceful beast.
Angry Armadillo
A small suggestion...
CHANGE YOUR NAME!
TELETEXT PREJUDICE
While flicking through the pages of Teletext, to my horror, I found that people using this service have been conspiring against townies.
I find this utterly unacceptable and expect a sincere apology to me and my sportswear clad friends.
Or jus send me a bottle of cider init.
Samurai Pizza Cat
On my hols now for the New Year
BACK NEXT SUNDAY
