Mega-Zine Museum: Letters

November 30, 2003

THE GIRL AT HER OWN WORLD The day you start liking someone they disappear... Tell me about it.

POPULAR DEMON What do I get for introducing a friend to 'Zine? Nothing. You give me extra work.

LOVEY DOVEY You need to sex up your image? Why don't you pose in your long johns for the Beano. It works for Holly Valance. They won't let me after last time I broke the camera lens.

LEAST FAVOURITE FEELINGS

Least favourite feelings and examples of when you might feel them.

Woe — Your cow ran away with your magic beans.
Inadequecy — A man has more magic beans (and cows) than you.
Confusion — Your cow ran away with your wife.
Hunger — Your cow ran away with your spoon, leaving you nothing to eat your non-existent magic beans with.

Stuttercut

So far I think I'm doing fine

AVOIDING THEM. THANK GOD

MMM, LLAMA

Breadstick, dearie, of course they have buttons to eject llamas out of planes! They're kept in the luggage hold, for, shall we say, political reasons, and flung out along with many other mammals for maximum flying amusement.

Did you know that they throw out other animals, including giraffes?

Pint Sized Pineapple

That's why I charter

A PRIVATE JET ON MY TRAVELS

SEX MACHINE

Don't ask WLW for advice about girls. He hasn't scored since he overhit a back pass to his goalie when he played for the junior Gunners.

Girls love spontaneity. Here are some spontaneous lines I always use:

Do ya fancy buying me a drink?
Do ya fancy a dance?
Do ya fancy a snog?
How about your mate?

Pure Gold!

Mr LoverMan

Who says I've ever tried to pull

A GIRL?

HELICOPTER EJECTOR SEATS?

As a student, I have far too much free time (because I never do any work). So I play the pub quiz machines a lot.

Yesterday, a question came up: "Who invented the helicopter ejector seat?"

The options were: Thomas Edison, James Dyson and There's No Such Thing. And my mate pressed James Dyson. How stupid can you get?

Answers on a postcard with a 50p postal order (to fund my time on these machines).

Insomniac Tapeworm

Play a fruit machine yourself

AND WIN A BIGGER JACKPOT

HUGO RUNE

Hugo Rune is a very special man. He is all-knowledgable, all-powerful and banned from every Chinese restaurant in London.

He never pays for a thing, he can wield a knobkerry with the best of them and he has an intrinsic connection with ocarinas. Funny then, how nobody else has heard of him.

I urge others that have (or think they have) to speak up! Rouse yourselves, Runies! Rouse!

Matthias Mortimer Zulu

Maybe my memory is just

A LITTLE FUZZY TODAY...

WHY I DON'T WANT TO RULE THE WORLD

Too much paperwork.
Friends would think you'd got too big for your boots.
People always going on at you.
Inability to blame anyone else.
Crown too small.
You'd have to be serious almost ALL of the time.

Topper

Jaffa Cakes on demand though

TEMPTING. VERY TEMPTING

SO CYNICAL

Sound Of Music — rubbish, isn't it?
Townies — stupid, aren't they?
Busted — not Jimi Hendrix, are they?
Spiky Stuy — soppy, isn't he?

I'm dead cynical me, aren't I?

Jessie Cynic

Bet I'm more cynical

AREN'T I DAVORD?

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