The Mega-Zine Museum
September 28, 2003
MRS BEETROOT Within every human being, there is a beetroot just waiting to break free. No wonder I have gut troubles.
LILY LONGBOTTOM My six-year-old nephew has a pop-up book called Pop-Up Pirates. And very cool and educational he thinks it is too. Does Johnny Depp have his own section?
THE UNITED TRUTH May I just say that CKY are a bunch of jackasses! Oh well, go on then.
SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPH
They're actually going to try to take a picture of the whole school at the same time. We're promised scaffolding and stuff. There are over 1000 students!
At least I'll be the oldest on it. Do you think I might be able to run round from one end to the other while it's being taken, and get on it twice?
Insane Jam Sow
Being in it once surely is
SHAMEFUL ENOUGH
WRITER'S DELIGHT
Yesterday, I was being consumed by ennui, so I decided to look at the spam that was clogging up my e-mail account.
Imagine how in luck I was when I received a message saying: "Do you want to increase the size of your pens?"
How did they know I liked writing so much? Of course I'd like bigger pens!
The Wonky Gnome
Hard to grab hold of though
SO I'VE HEARD...
TRUE LOVE
Miranda is lovely, Miranda is divine
She lives in Brock Road at No 49
She's got a sister, a budgie and a cat
Satellite TV and a "Welcome" mat
She says my kisses send her to heaven
But I prefer Jane who lives in No 47
Jane is lovely, Jane is divine
She's filthy rich and mine, all mine
I'm going to meet her on the veranda
After I've said goodnight to Miranda
Hotlips Hulligan
Typical man
GET SOME MORALS!
PROBLEM PAGE
Newspapers seem to think we are all obsessed with celebrities. One paper even manages to include them on the readers' problem page.
For example: "I'm unlucky in love, like Julia Roberts" (pictured), "I'm going bald, like Prince Charles" (pictured), "Everyone thinks I'm a joke".
For some reason, they've put a picture of Blazin' Squad next to this.
Curable Romantic
Can't imagine why
PAPERS AREN'T that FUNNY
SO YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE ME?
Little Hobbit Warrior, Frodo Mercury, I'm afraid you are only half right.
The god that is Freddie Mercury indeed couldn't reach the high bits in Bohemian Rhapsody. However, it was not you who filled in for him, but the band's drummer, Roger Taylor.
Never question my Queen knowledge again!
Sorry, I get agitated sometimes.
Oh, by the way, Samurai Hedgehog, will you marry me?
Killer Bunny
Lost your cool
AT THE LAST MINUTE
OPTIMISM
I read that a Japanese soldier from World War II has just been discovered on a remote Pacific Island. He'd been there for 60 years. He was still in uniform. He didn't know that the war was over.
When he was rescued, the first words he uttered were "Has Topper written anything interesting yet?"
Zakuska
The Brigadier had a twin?
I NEED TO LIE DOWN
ON THE PULL
I made a stupid bet with my younger brother. I won again.
This time it was to beat his pulling record at a rock club in Glasgow called the Cathouse. If I failed I would have to streak through Clydebank shopping centre.
Not very hard for me since girls love me. I pulled 17. Not bad, considering my high standards.
Spiky Stuy
Townies
THEY SNOG ANY PRETTY THING
