The Mega-Zine Museum
September 22, 2003
THE ONE THEY CALL CHUTNEY You know when you lean back on a chair, until you're only on two legs, and then you almost fall, but just catch yourself? Well, I feel like that all the time. Living a balanced life then.
DJ DAVE Having read your football joke poem about Leeds United, Duchess Pandora Of Ormondroyd, d'you wanna be my friend? Back from the other side?
A LEPRECHAUN CALLED STEVE My cat can beat up your cat. If you say so.
HE'S NOT GOING
I can confirm that we have received an offer from an unnamed London club for our pieman. I am not at liberty to name the club, who play in blue, but if that Russki thinks he can have our pieman for less than 12 million, he can think again.
I want to reassure our fans that we will never sell our pieman or any of his pies.
The Chairman, Grimethorpe Academicals
Let them take his old burgers though
I HEAR THEY'RE A BIT DODGY
SLIGHT MISHAP
Well sir, I'm sorry about your cat and the tin of luminous green paint. I've found that paint can be removed from brushes if you scrub them in hot soapy water and then leave them immersed in turpentine for 24 hours.
It doesn't work with hamsters or poodles, but cats are more durable creatures, aren't they?
Tex Rafferty
Mavis refuses to go in the wash again
AFTER HER LAST SPIN IN THE MACHINE
WLW,
I have a theory on WLW's gender; maybe, and I know it's a long shot, but maybe WLW is, in fact, more than one person, say, a team of editors?
This would explain him one day complaining of girls going to bathrooms in pairs then the next speaking of her love of chocolate.
FACT: men do not talk about chocolate in the same way they talk about sex, football and beer.
My name is Richard Romer
Gay giraffes can like what boys and
GIRLS DO, WITHOUT BEING IN A HERD
SMILING IN THE WOMB
You may have read in the papers about scientists alleging that babies can smile in the womb. But how can this be when babies can't smile for six months after they're born?
My theory is that the picture said to be of a baby in the womb smiling was actually an out-of-focus photo of Meat Loaf taken in sepia.
The Wonky Gnome
Who cares! Smiling is better
THAN THEM CRYING!
BOOGIE WOOGIE
Our new neighbours were playing very loud reggae music. I quite liked it, but it was driving my dad nutty. After a while, he couldn't stand it any longer so he went round to complain.
He banged on the door and a huge man answered. My dad looked up at him and really gave him a piece of his mind.
He said: "Er, I was wondering, er, have you got any Harry Belafonte?"
Curable Romantic
Monday morning...
YOU COULD AT LEAST TRY TO BE FUNNY
NEWCASTLE V SUNDERLAND
I can't remember who it was who said that the 'Ziner who used the word charvers had to be from Newcastle, but they need a swift kick in the trousers. I use the term charvers and I'm from Sunderland.
Newcastle = Pants, Sunderland = Not quite so pants.
Newcastle = Black and White, Sunderland = Red and White.
Noticed any differences between us yet?
Triangular Frostbite
You have odd names for a toilet
IN SUNDERS TOO I HEARD...
THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST THIS SORT OF THING
Have you ever looked closely at a can of Fosters? You should 'cos they're deceiving you all.
On the front it clearly says "Australia's Famous Beer". Fair enough. However, on the side it says it's made in Scotland.
I would suggest we boycott Fosters if it wasn't so nice...
Mr Self Destruct
Hate beer
SO NOT BOTHERED PERSONALLY
