Mega-Zine
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July 29, 2003

FOTHERINGAY Tennis — a load of balls? Ha ha ha, it gets funnier each time you say it. Indeed. Unlike the game which never nets the smallest of smiles.

INSOMNIAC TAPEWORM I was trying to think of an interesting topic on which I could write a letter to 'Zine, but it was too much trouble so you can have this instead. I have similar trouble every day.

THE FUNNUNGRAPPOD I don't know if you printed any of my messages while I was enjoying London. No, but we saw you.

 

A MIRACULOUS DISCOVERY

THE MEANING OF LIFE

Sometimes it's a chicken,
Sometimes it's a chair,
Sometimes it's a piece of cheese
Suspended in the air.

Now all bow down to me and my big hat of cleverness!

Antithesis

Full of holes and stinks

MY LIFE IS CHEESE RIGHT NOW

 

NOSE-RELATED 'ZINER NAMES THAT I HAVE MADE UP

There's only four. Sorry.

  1. Nose Pollution.
  2. The Sixth Sneeze.
  3. The Man With The Golden Nose.
  4. Pinnochio's... er... Nose.

PS Not meaning to be cocky, but when thanking me for putting you in a list, DJ Dave, spell my name right. Ta.

Sykopathik Mushroom

If you had a gold nose, would that

MEAN YOUR SNOTS WERE WORTH MONEY?

 

WLW,

Am I right in being deluded into thinking that you moonlight as a 57-year-old investment consultant named Derwent who lives in Kidderminster and collects 17th-century ceramics?

If not, then why did I get a letter from a ceramics company signed WLW?

Answer that one, Derwent.

Magog

Imposter!

I'M PHONING HIM TO COMPLAIN NOW

 

SOCKS

Today, I would like to talk to you about the joy that is socks. No matter what, you can never have enough of them. And you don't just have to wear them on your feet. Oh no! You can also turn them into puppets or fill them up with presents.

And Laura Herself, if socks were the only clothes around, you'd never really have to worry about the size!

Psychedelic Magickal Maiden

I like to wear bright coloured ones

ILLUSIONS OF GRANDUER EXTENDED THEN

 

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
  • More Monopoly money is printed a year than real money.
  • Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  • Giraffes have no vocal cords.

The Wonky Gnome

The last one is a lie

OTHERWISE I AM THE WRONG SPECIE

 

TYPICAL

I have reason to believe bad weather is caused by the presence of my mum. Before we go on holiday, it rains a bit. Then, we leave for New York. Almost instantly, it rains in New York and is sunny back home.

This continues until we go to Los Angeles. There, it is far too hot. In New York, it's fine, and the UK stays the same.

Coincidence? I think not.

A leprechaun called Steve

Was your mum thrown out of

WEATHER GIRL CHARM SCHOOL?

 

PROCRASTINATION MAN STRIKES AGAIN

The pizza delivery is late, my date has decided not to exist, most of the good programmes on TV have been cancelled to make way for some sporting event and Professor Conformity has plans to take over the world.

I wonder what's on five...

The Geek Who Shall Inherit the Earth

No matter how bad things get

DON'T SINK TO THAT. BIRDWATCH!