Mega-Zine
Icon

March 14—15, 2003

DAVEOFMOOSAIFAME Does my poetry have to be poor to feature here or does it just help? There's not enough help in the world to see to some people.

THE SCHIZOPHRENIC PAIR OF PURPLE FISHNETS If you ever go to Berlin, watch out for the green turkey, he's only after your glasses. Green or not, he'll roast up a treat.

BATMAN'S BROTHER And remember, nothing succeeds like a toothless budgie. You haven't felt their pecks.

 

A LOVELY JOKE

Terry Venables goes to the bank and is inadvertently hit by something. He wakes up and says: "Where am I?". The bank employee says: "The Nationwide".

So El Tel says "What, already?".

And I'm a Leeds fan. You've gotta admire our humour, no?

Lilac Leopard

I'd be laughing even more if that

WAS A SPURS GAG

 

'ZINERS

This is what I had planned for today:

  • Get some good exercise.
  • Eat plenty of vegetables.
  • Drink plenty of fruit squash.
  • Donate money to charity.

This is what I actually did:

  • Got up.
  • Went to McDonald's.
  • Downloaded t.A.T.u video.

Maybe tomorrow.

Farmer Jack

I planned to go fishing

BUT IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD

 

PARENTS, EH?

Why is it parents don't understand that I can't hear them speaking to me when I'm wearing my headphones and it's also likely that I'm not in a speaking mood as I'm playing music as loudly as possible to block out any other noise?

They are soooooooo not with it.

The Sleeping Fish

And they talk to you while you're on

THE PHONE TO SOMEONE ELSE

 

THE COLOUR OF NOTHING

If colour is basically the human perception of light, then when there is no light, and all is black, all is the colour of nothing.

So when there is nothing, the colour is not "see-through" as is generally perceived, but nothing itself is black.

Which brings me on to the point, that as colour is just our eye's perception of light, then surely everything is really black and we're just blind?

1929

Somewhere over the rainbow

THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THERE HILLS

 

JIGGING

In this country, we do not jig enough. This should be rectified. Join me today in National Jig Day.

Today, we will jig for joy. Tomorrow, jig for peace. Then on Sunday we jig a super jig...

Bring your own combs for that one.

Big Bob Flapper

I'm gettin' jiggy with it

NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH

 

HOW VERY STRANGE

On the very day that I discovered that I had won £25,000 (it's all mine!), the episode of The Simpsons was the one where everyone is trying to win the Lottery.

Is this a coincidence? Or is there some spritual force involved?

Don't look up your horoscope in the paper, see what Simpsons episode is on.

Gnuffo1

Today I see someone lending a

CHARACTER £10,000. OH, FOR ME...?

 

FUN THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

  1. Keep asking the other people in the lift: "Did you feel that?"
  2. Phone the Psychic Helpline and make them guess what floor you're on.
  3. Put a desk in the lift and ask anyone who comes in if they have an appointment.

The Only Pink Jellybean

See who can use up the oxygen fastest?

NO, MAYBE NOT