Mega-Zine
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January 31—February 1, 2003

MR DEADHEAD Boy, I could go for a cookie right about now. Pick me up a chocolate doughnut at the same time.

SPACEDFISH It's true money doesn't buy happiness. But poverty doesn't buy anything. I'll be friends with whoever buys me anything.

THE TRANCINATOR In the future the Brigadier gets wings and rules the world. Who thought it was funny to write that script? Don't send it to Spielberg whatever you do!

 

LIVEWORM

Although my mum thinks the holes in my wall are woodworm, I've found the real problem.

Every year I put a new calendar up and once I realise another new year has come, I take down the calendar. I then put up my new calendar, but forget where the old hole was. In the end I just make a new hole. Simple.

Oh, and my dartboard.

Genius at Work

I burst a pipe last time I was

LET LOOSE ON A DARTBOARD

 

MY FAVOURITE PROGRAMME

Why the programme Cavegirl is so wonderful:

  • She's very, very, very pretty.
  • It deals with important issues such as being the prettiest girl in the prehistoric village.
  • She's very, very, very pretty.
  • It has an amazingly tacky set.
  • She's very, very, very pretty.

It should be made compulsory viewing for all 'Ziners.

An seinem Gesicht klebt Zahnpasta

Looking at pretty girls all day...

THEY COULD HAVE t.A.T.u GUEST STAY

 

BLACK ADDER

The script book of Blackadder. Pure genius. Surely the Bible of the sarcastic teen, no?

I can be sarcastic about anything now, thanks to Blackadder. "Are you doing your homework, dear?" asks my mum.

"Honda Fireblade through flaming hoops."

It's all in the timing.

Blonde Butterfly

Timing doesn't transmit well

BY POST OBVIOUSLY

 

FROG POETRY

If sausages is saussices
and sixty-six is soixante-six
then sixty-six sausages
is soixante-six saussices!

Oh, don't tell me I'm brilliant. I already know.

Triangular Frostbite

Get through 66 sausages in one go

AND THAT TRULY IS BRILLIANCE

 

REAL BOOKS IN MY SCHOOL LIBRARY

  • A Full And Illustrated History Of The Third Reich.
  • The Big Book Of Trees.
  • Let's All Discuss... Aids.
  • An Illustrated Guide To Mushrooms.
  • A World Soccer magazine from April 1992.

What child would actually read these books?

Concrete Donkey

Getting schoolkids into a library

IS SURELY AN ACHIEVEMENT ENOUGH

 

SURREAL? NAH

Right, that's it. If you wallabies start throwing jam at my portrait again, it's the hairdryer for you. You have been warned!

As for the rest of you marsupials, I'd keep a close eye on your oranges for a while.

Matthias Mortimer Zulu

You're getting nowhere near

MY TANGERINES AND PLUMS

 

THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hear'Say
Hear'Say who?

Thank God for small mercies, then.

Ammopogo

Is there room for Gareth Gates

AND THAT FOOL FROM THE SALON TOO?