The Mega-Zine Museum
July 17, 2002
COW IN THE SHED Let me be first to wish you a happy birthday, WLW! Why, thank you. So... where's me pressie?
SIR WHENCE PITCHFORK Why does the mixture always taste nicer than the cake? I suppose that sounds really profound, but in reality, I'm just sitting here licking a bowl. Believe me, it doesn't sound really profound.
DIMGIRL FROM THE MOLEHOLE I'm off to Brummy Land. I've never been. What if it hates me? It hates everybody.
'ZINERS
I would like to express my hatred for songs that fade out at the end. It's just laziness by the artist.
Can you imagine if, when watching a film, all of a sudden, the screen just faded?
I, for one, would be very annoyed.
Alone With Everyone
But, then again, some songs just beg
TO BE FADED OUT, DOUBLE-QUICK TIME
WLW
If your only ambition was to be a complete failure, if you then were a complete failure, would you have achieved your goal because you had not achieved anything or not achieved your goal because you had achieved something?
Similarly, if you achieved everything while this was your ambition, would you have failed in your ambition, therefore achieving your ambition and failing in your ambition?
Black and White Rainbow
Suddenly, I have
THE MOST POWERFUL HEADACHE
SUSAN OR STEPH?
George the Duck-Billed Fridge, admit it, you're wrong! Susan Kennedy is the best-looking one in Neighbours and everyone knows that.
I'm the only solitary member of her fan club but give me a couple of months and I'll have at least three more!
If she was to squeeze into a pair of hotpants and release a single, she'd definitely give Kylie and Holly a run for their money in the charts!
Subatomic Genius
Sweet Jesus — don't put ideas
INTO THE WOMAN'S HEAD!
THINGS IN ADVERTS IT WOULD BE GREAT TO SEE IN REAL LIFE:
- The lightbulb "ding" from the Nescafe adverts
- A big long tongue like the one in the Fanta adverts
- A granny like the one in the Irn Bru adverts (even though I think Irn Bru is rubbish — and I'm Scots!)
OK, so I got stuck after only three... so sue me!
Satan's Rubber Duck
I'd like to see the AOL woman
IN REAL LIFE... FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
HEY, WLW
I have become heartily sick of staring at the walls of my bedroom, and so decided to provide some facts you probably didn't want to know about me:
- I predicted Tim Henman would not win Wimbledon
- My aunt knows Trisha off the TV
- I share a birthday with Liz Hurley, Prince Philip and David Platt
- I like the new song by The Streets
- My mum once served Vera Duckworth in Tesco.
Samurai Hedgehog
You predicted Tim Henman wouldn't win?
WOW — YOU'RE A VERITABLE GENIUS
'ZINERS
As this is my first letter to 'Zine, I would like to add my own psychotic scribblings to the ever-fantastic poetry corner:
She stood on a bridge at midnight
Her lips were all a-quiver
She gave a cough
Her leg fell off
And floated down the river
More power to the goats!
Psychotic Goat Overlord
One of the more disturbing efforts yet,
BUT WELCOME ALL THE SAME
FORSOOTH DR NICK
I am greatly perturbed that Dr Nick's erudite, concise and educative tome, Living With A Willy, has not made it onto the Sunday Times' Bestseller list.
This is scandalous. A book as highly regarded and enthusiastically read as this should have a place in every bookshop throughout the land and should be required reading for the nation.
Alert your MPs forthwith.
The Brigadier
I'm waiting for the movie — I believe
DISNEY HAS THE OPTION
