Mega-Zine
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June 29, 2002

THE DEMON BOWLER I love these pages. It's 10 minutes of madness each day. My life is now complete. Thanks dad.

SUBATOMIC GENIUS I'd sooner snog Dot Cotton than snog that annoying Jade from Big Brother! I think we all would.

SATAN'S RUBBER DUCK My life is like tennis: love is zero in both of them. My life is more of a difficult line call — somtimes it's in, sometimes it's out... depends on the line judge.

 

TO WIN THE LOVE OF THE LITTLE SILVER MOONBABY...

I steal pub ashtrays, make cat-like noises to annoy next door's dog, run barefoot on the beach and record myself on my tapedeck doing impressions of celebrities and cartoon characters.

And I become hysterical at the thought of talking to a woman. I also love rainy days.

Am I a catch or what?

The Grey Man

No laydee could resist... especially

THOSE WHO ARE SHORT ON ASHTRAYS

 

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE FEMALE...

in reply to Spike the Spikey Pineapple:

  1. Chocolate
  2. Being able to pamper ourselves
  3. We don't go to the toilet in public
  4. Shopping
  5. We don't have to prove how macho we are to our friends
  6. We're just better, end of story

Have a nice day!

The Crazy Red Devil

It was going well until number 6 —

KINDA FELL AWAY THERE

 

DEAR WLW, A POEM FOR YOU...

Maiden in a tower so high
Why won't you print my letters?
Why, fair lady WLW, why?
Maybe because they're boring
Maybe 'cos I have nothing to say
Now, you're probably snoring
So I'll just go, go, go away!

Century-old Sorceress

Fair lady? I've been called

SOME THINGS IN MY TIME...

 

THINGS THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN DURING EXAMS:

  • People walk out crying
  • You get stuck
  • The clock speeds up
  • The invigilators walk past and snigger
  • You realise your calculator was actually in RAD mode
  • Someone keeps squeaking their chair

Oh, the joys!

Suicide Barbie

I hate the people that finish early,

WHISTLING AND DRUMMING THEIR FINGERS

 

MY MATE CHRIS

I have this friend who I think may be the Brigadier.

He once bought a Union Jack flag at a stall, he has a swimming pool in his back garden and, scarily, I once witnessed him wearing Union Jack trunks!

In the house, he has a collection of medals which he claims belong to his grandfather. I challenged him, he denied it, then launched into a Brigadier impression... with cane!

Fibreglass Monkey

Either way, keep yer distance from

A CLEARLY DISTURBED YOUNG MAN!

 

WLW

For my first letter to 'Zine, I thought I'd write a completely useless list of my favourite sounding words:

  • Chaos
  • Chasm
  • Urban
  • Rectify
  • Inkwell
  • Bohemian
  • Pontificate
  • Quest

Dizzy

Er... OK, lovely list and everything...

NOT MUCH I CAN SAY REALLY

 

ANT AND DEC'S SHOW

So Ant and Dec have got a show where you can win everything in the advert break? Does that mean that if an AOL advert with Connie, the Smug Demon Mushroom Queen comes on, you win her to come round to your house?

I guess she could do handy things like stand over your shoulder while you try to work your PC. And if the PC breaks, you can always become absorbed in her psychedelic choice of clothing!

The Animal of Farthing Wood

Or preferably, lock her in the shed —

I MEAN, WHO EXACTLY WOULD MISS HER?