The Mega-Zine Museum
December 7—8, 2001
THE BRIGADIER Over a glass of sherry this morning, I scrutinised that KFC site on the interweb. It's glorious! 'Tis a veritable treasure chest indeed.
THE DESPOTIC BANANA A problem shared is a wonderful way to get laughed at... Especially if it's warts... or some sort of fungus.
DISSIMULATION If Adam and Eve were the first people on earth, did they have belly buttons? Yes, don't ask me how I know, I just do.
ZEBRAS!
I urge 'Ziners everywhere to use zebra crossings instead of pelican crossings. You have to wait for ages for that idle green man to show his ugly little face.
Zebras are so much better. You stand there and suddenly a little old lady in a Metro lets you go. Or perhaps a learner who's down on their luck may try to score points with the instructor by letting you cross!
Grillamo
I hate pelican crossings too.
NEVER TRUST 'EM, I SAY
'ZINERS
I couldn't sleep the other night, so I decided to visit that graveyard for 'Ziners of yesteryear — the Void. Who should I find but the Beautiful Stone Hippo, listing her "Top Ten Songs I Listened To As A Teenager".
How old is the Hippo then? 23? 52? 87? I felt lost, confused, violated!
Is the only reason you all hate Limp Wrizted because you're over 50?
Ursula Undressed
Dear God, no — there are an
INFINITE NUMBER OF REASONS!
RIP, OLD SCALLY MAN
The other day I passed a rusty old car, pounding out what I think was So Solid Crew at full volume.
I expected to see a stereotypical scally in the car, nodding his head inanely to the "music" but, to my horror, I saw it was a very, VERY old man. I think he was dead, or asleep.
That's what happens when you listen to garage!
The Gingerbread Frog
He should know better at his age —
SO SOLID CREW ARE THE DEVIL
REASONS TO BE SAD
- Rain on your parade
- Someone said you smell
- They only play sad songs
- You're on your own
- People dislike you instinctively
- They've run off with the florist.
The Snorkmistress
And Arsenal losing, although
THAT NEVER HAPPENS! HA HA HA HA...
WATERCOLOUR CHALLENGE
Often, as I flick onto Channel 4 to digest the holy wisdom of 'Zine, I find my eyes glued to the screen as the demon Hannah Gormon patronises three "nice" contestants by talking vvverrrry... vvverrrry sssloowwwwly.
I am hypnotised by the lack of screams, the absence of bright gaudy colours and the sight of people using their brains.
As it progresses to the hugs-all-round finish, I realise with horror... I've watched all of Watercolour Challenge!
Sugared Venom
Why do they put up with her? I just
WANNA TAKE MY PAINTBRUSH AND...
WLW'S IDENTITY REVEALED
Although Angelic Entity's theory on the gender of WLW is interesting, I have come to the conclusion that WLW is in fact... both female and male!
How did I reach this conclusion? Well, it must be hard work for one person to do so, some days it's a man and others it's a woman — in the interest of equality, it can't be all men or all women.
Am I correct?
Shenanigans
Nooooo, you are way off the mark —
I AM A TEAM OF TRAINED BABOONS
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TIPS
A useful trick from the 2001 World Conker Champs, held at Bora Bora this year, used by Pearly "Hard" Seed, and his veteran conker, William (1066er):
Pretend you have a broken arm and wear a hard plaster cast. When it is your opponent's shot, drop your solid fruit slightly, thus forcing the enemy seed to crash into the cast, causing fatal death cracks. Victory is then yours!
Ivor C Heated
I should get danger money
FOR THIS JOB
