The Mega-Zine Museum
September 29, 2001
KILTED ENGLISHMAN If vegetable oil comes from a vegetable... where does baby oil come from? Best not to ask.
QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. A brilliant summing up!
LEMMING CURD How many e-mails are in your inbox... right now!? I'm a bit bored. Well, one more than before, thank you very much.
STRIKING NEWS
Someone has been stealing my Mars Bars! The old lady on my paper round leaves one out for me every day (isn't she nice, eh?). BUT... someone has been stealing them.
Today she came out and said she'd put me one out on the wall in the usual place, went inside to do something, came back 'cos she thought I'd delivered the paper... and the Mars Bar was gone!
Grrrrrr, darned free paper deliverers.
Frank The Potato
They stole your Mars Bar?
PUNISHABLE BY CONTINUOUS WESTLIFE
DOG FASHION DISCO
They are a cool band and should be investigated by anyone having trouble letting go of their Faith No More memories.
Imagine the worst bits of FNM, Mr Bungle and SOAD, with cheesy goth keyboards and tasteless song titles. Not recommended for fans of Idlewild, MSP or Savage Garden.
My girlfriend says I listen to too much weird music.
Parsley Possum
I've investigated them on your behalf,
KIDS, ALL I CAN SAY IS HMMMMM...
WLW AND 'ZINEY PEOPLE
I was so glad to see those luvverly people at the sweetie factory have decided to get rid of those nasty flavours in Wonka Oompas. I mean, mashed potato flavour?
And what's with a cucumber-flavoured sweet, eh? They tasted so vile and they didn't even say on the packet which colour was which flavour so they could be avoided!
So, thank you to the smart person who has saved me from another afternoon with my head down the toilet.
Peppermint Patty
Mashed potato flavour? Are you serious?
WHO GOT PAID TO COME UP WITH THAT?
'ZINERS
My friend has a problem. On Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays he thinks he is Buzz Lightyear. On Thursdays, he thinks he is Captain Chaos, and he's Captain Courageous on Fridays.
On Saturdays he is SkullMonkey and on Sundays he runs about wearing his red nylon pants over his check trousers.
I have a problem. He is my friend.
Satan's Rubber Duck
Eccentrics can be quaint, though, in a
QUIRKY AND TOTALLY BIZARRE WAY
JUST A THOUGHT HERE...
Why is it that so many things smell great, but taste terrible? Coffee, curry, that glue that we used to have in our school that smelled like marzipan, soap...
I mean, dunno if you've ever tried to eat a bar of soap, but it's not particularly pleasant!
Coca Cola Junkie
I can honestly say that I have never
EATEN SOAP... OR INDEED GLUE!
MY ENEMY LIST
- Frankie Muniz (damn child actors)
- Eamonn Holmes
- Audrey in Corrie
- President Mary Robinson (she nearly tripped me up)
- Connie from Blue Peter (she is so cruel to that new girl)
- Anyone who hates brackets (that means you)
If you are any of the above, watch out.
Belfast Boy
Connie is totally evil, I agree.
ACTUALLY, BLUE PETER IN GENERAL...
TOP 10 MISSING 'ZINERS
- Wild Bill Hiccup
- Negative Creep
- Revolutionary Carrot
- Egg-Shaped Ian
- TAFKA Gonzo
- Outcast
- Village Idiot
- Odd Foz
- Self-Obsession Honey
- Buzz
Fluffy The Evil One
Blimey, I'd forgotten half of them —
AND WHAT OF PC STU? MISS TRISTESSE?
