Mega-Zine Museum: Letters

July 10, 2001

HEADLESS MECHANOID We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. Just thought I'd clear that up, you know, to avoid any confusion. Bit deep for a Tuesday?

cat5187 I got a kitten! She's gorgeous, a dark grey tabby, and I'm calling her Rembrandt. Can she be friends with Mavis? Yeah, bring 'er round tomorrow.

FLUFFY THE EVIL ONE What's the difference between Eminem and Britney? The swearing! And the chainsaw.

'ZINERS

I know the reason why popstars use those microphones on their heads... it's because they are too stupid to lip synch and grip at the same time.

This may sound easy to you and me, but then these people can't even write their own incredibly awful songs themselves.

I also know why men have nipples, but that's a whole different letter!

Secluded Rainbow

But that's the letter we want!

THAT'S THE ONE WE'RE INTERESTED IN!

TEACHERS 'FROM HELL'

How's about this? I have a history teacher who looks and acts like Hitler, a maths teacher who is "everyone's friend", a schizophrenic English teacher, a chemistry teacher who is obsessed with leprechauns and a biology teacher who is Anne Robinson without the wink and the smile at the end.

PLUS, I am the only 'Ziner to live in Dorset. How bad is my life?

Girl On The Oatmeal Box

What sort of school do you go to?

THERE'S A MINI-SERIES THERE!

UNCLE JACK

Aaahh yes, I remember it well. Uncle Jack was an environmentalist, and he was involved in trying to stop some evil people from corrupting the waters of Loch Ness, helped by his nephew and niece.

While we're on the subject of obscure TV programmes for kids, who remembers Alfonso Bonzo or the Samurai Pizza Cats?

Chris the Cocksure Dingo

Not me. Sorry.

I REMEMBER HATTY TOWN THOUGH!

POSSUM UNCOVERED

On B*ckch*t recently, a person from Wolverhampton mentioned the Big Brother house and the stereotype of Brian and Josh and their sexuality.

You would normally think nothing of it, until you realise that the Possum himself wrote a letter saying pretty much the same thing a few days earlier.

Conclusion: Fred from Wolverhampton and the Possum are one and the same, so Possum is a B*ckch*tter!

Fishmonger of Doom

Here are the letters in question, from Backchat on 2001-06-25 and 26:

"Who do other Backchatters expect to see leave the Big Brother compound with the £70,000 cheque? My vote goes to Brian because he represents the gay community really well and is just so cool and down to earth, where Bubble is just an idiot who wears stupid hats!"
Leighton Price (17)

"Leighton (25/6): If Brian represents the gay community in the Big Brother 2 house, does Anna represent the black community? Does Helen represent Wales? Brian shouldn't represent anything: he is just Brian, an individual. People shouldn't be put in boxes because of who they are or where they're from."
Richard, Wolverhampton

(Amen to that.)

Is this true? Suddenly —

LIFE HAS NO MEANING

NEW DEBATE

Gnomes vs Flowerpots

Flowerpots don't have fishing rods.
Stealing flowerpots and placing them on people's doorsteps isn't funny.
But doing it with gnomes is!
Ever seen a flowerpot with a beard?

Parsley "Gnome Enthusiast" Possum

But what about Bill and Ben?

BILL AND BEN, THE GNOME MEN? NAH

6 REASONS WHY I HATE FLIES

They come in, but can't find their way out
They leave poop all over the window
They fly around right in front of your eyes
Whenever you do try to catch them, they disappear
If you do hit them with a shoe, you tread dead fly everywhere
When you think they've gone, they start buzzing off again

Next week, slugs and bees.

The One With Little Significance

Ah, now see, if you had a cat...

YOU WOULD BE SANS FLIES FOREVER!

MISS WORLD

I remember Uncle Jack! That was such a cool programme.

There were four series of it, called Operation Green, The Loch Ness Monster, The Dark Side Of The Moon and Cleopatra's Mummy.

Uncle Jack was played by a guy called Paul Jones (from Manfred Mann), and there was a female villain called The Vixen.

I don't remember much else about it, but it was really good!

Miss MacPhisto

I still don't remember it at all —

WHEN WAS THIS 'GEM' ON THE BOX?

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