Mega-Zine
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March 27, 2001

PARSLEY POSSUM There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese. No cats? Never liked Americans.

DEAD AND ALIVE If anyone needs to lay off the pies, it's fat Freddy Durst. He's a big lad, multi-talentless too.

SIR WHENCE PITCHFORK As well as a national anthem, what about a flag or emblem for the 'Zine? I suggest a heptagonal plank of wood with a picture of Bagpuss on it. Or a pie with the face of JDB on it? Just a thought...

 

I JUST WANNA BE LOVED...

I've been here at the 'Zine for a few weeks now, all lonely, usually on page four. Still no-one has felt the need to write anything to me, good or bad.

It's probably because I haven't offended anyone, nor supported anyone. So what if I sit on the fence. You get a much better vantage point of the pond.

But I need to make friends here so... would anyone like a Ferrero Rocher? I brought some for emergencies.

Odd Foz

You don't have to ask me twice, Fozzy —

I'LL BE YER MATE!

 

'ZINE ANTHEM

Right, I know that you might not like it, but I suggest Little Trouble Girl by Sonic Youth. It has a nice twinkly chorus and the video has a cool alien thingy.

If you don't pick that then I will be forced to hold my breath until you reconsider.

Yours, suffocatingly,

Josie The Androgynous Beast

Josie, love, you're going very red...

JOSIE... JOSIE... OH DEAR

 

WLW

I think I know how to stop Dark Grey Wolf and Parsley Possum having a go at each other. Take them both down the vet and get them neutered!

Usually, animals that have this done become really friendly and affectionate. So, whaddaya say?

Just so the Possum and the Wolf know — I'm just kidding!

Sky Warrior

No, wait — kidding or not,

YOU MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING

 

WHY GOATS ARE BETTER THAN SQUIRRELS

  1. Goats have cute faces
  2. Goats bleat
  3. Goats have big horns
  4. The goat I have at home is way better company than my squirrel
  5. Goats rule

Wannabe Coal Chamber Goat (bleat!)

Squirrels have cute faces too! OK,

YOU GOT ME WITH THE OTHER STUFF

 

HOW QUICK IS WLW?

I wrote this e-mail on Tuesday, March 13, at 23:55. This is how long it took for WLW to print it. The fact is, this can go one of two ways:

  1. Either WLW is really efficient and it is printed within 24hrs (thus peeing all over my comedy bonfire) or...
  2. It is printed sometime in 2005, proving that WLW spends too much time watching Arsenal, eating chocolate and petting her cats.

Pedigree's Chum

13? Woah — down to two weeks now!

COME ON ARSENAL! (WHERE'S THE CAT?)

 

KIDNAPPED!

I feel it only fair to warn you I've kidnapped Westlife and will not release them until you have paid me the total sum of £25, even though Kian ate my last pair of socks and Nicky has taken up residence in my breadbin.

Damn. Have I sent this to the wrong magazine again?

The Vegetarian Vampire

You have, love. You'll struggle

TO RAISE 25p HERE

 

MY TOP 10 DUDES (NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

  1. Homer J Simpson
  2. WLW (if you are a true dude)
  3. The Psychedelic Gloom
  4. Mr Burns
  5. Johnny Depp
  6. Eddie Izzard
  7. Kombucha Mushroom Person
  8. Kurt Cobain
  9. Shaggy from Scooby Doo
  10. The bald Italian referee. You know, the cool one with scary eyes.

Self-Obsession Honey

You forgot Dave Gahan, Top Cat and the

GEEZER THAT INVENTED CLINGFILM