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August 19, 1994

PAUL GODDARD ON CARNIVOROUS MOZ-HUNT?

Dear Paul, your reference to me as "Old Misery Guts" in your savage review of my duet with Siouxsie Sioux seems to be a continuation of some kind of personal vendetta against me.

For your information, I am far from engulfed in misery at the present time.

If you knew owt about me, you'd have heard about my recent passion for boxing. Don't come to Battersea pubs!

Sealed With A Hateful Punch, Morrissey

Yeah, Pauly, get a grip!

SEND ALL ANTI-PAUL LETTERS HERE!

 

THE CASSETTE TO BEAT ALL CASSETTES

  1. Sweet Child O' Mine / Guns 'N Roses
  2. Nikita / Elton John
  3. Holding Out For A Hero / Bonnie Tyler
  4. The Best / Tina Turner
  5. If I Could Turn Back Time / Cher
  6. Stop / Sam Brown
  7. Enter Sandman / Metallica
  8. Real American / Rick Derringer
  9. Iron Man / Black Sabbath
  10. God Save the Queen / The Sex Pistols

The Heartbreak Kid, Croydon

Is that all that's broken?

CRUMBLIES! YOU LOT ARE WEIRD!!!

 

TOP TEN WAYS TO ASK FOR A DATE

  1. Go up to them and say "Wanna go out with me?"
  2. Sing it to them
  3. Send them flowers with a message
  4. Write them a poem
  5. Hire a plane and get it sky-written
  6. Write in toothpaste on their mirror
  7. Run them over and take 'em to hossie
  8. Hire a strip/kiss-o-gram to ask them
  9. Hijack their afternoon/evening
  10. Get your mate to ask!

PH7 Babe, Land of Hopes and Dreams

Or just say "It's your lucky day fella"

 

TO THE FUNKY SEX KITTEN

What a sad loser you are. I am a Take That fan and I have a life and friends. In fact my life is probably better than yours.

Why?

Because I'm not sad enough to put people down because of their musical tastes.

Mark Owen's Little Sister

That's a bit sad, too, isn't it?

CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE ALL THE TIME!

 

REPLY TO KRYTEN'S MISSING SANITY CHIP

Earth to sad Unimaginative Example of Someone who wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them where it hurts. Hello?

How dare you criticise Saved By The Bell? How dare you criticise Mark Paul Gosselaar's immense acting skill or stunning good looks?

Saved By The Bell is fun, funny, light relief from the world around us.

Gromit, Glasgow

Should be quite EASY to criticise...

 

TOP TEN THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS SONGS

  1. Ana Ng
  2. See The Constellation
  3. Lucky Ball And Chain
  4. Hope That I Get Old Before I Die
  5. Which Describes How You're Feeling
  6. They'll Need A Crane
  7. Birdhouse In Your Soul
  8. The Famous Polka
  9. Fingertips
  10. Shoehorn With Teeth

Bombay Duck

Whatever happened to them?