The Mega-Zine Museum
March 27, 2005
PADDY IRISHMAN I would join the army, but the camouflage isn't my colour. I'd drive my car, but I've lost my khaki.
EMMA-THE-LIL'-ANGEL Is this the way to Amarillo? Actually I think I'm a bit lost... Do you know the way to San Jose?
LAMBDA MU I like seafood, bunnies and German countesses. I don't like rugby players or anyone who insists on being called "Doctor" and has excessive nose hair. Thank you for clearing that up.
WHAT A LOAD OF H*LL*O**S!
I remember there was talk about a 'Zine swearword. Well I can say that I have come up with a worthy solution.
Hollyoaks.
Think about it. It is a subject that some people don't like to talk about - it's that much of a taboo.
Plus if you're a struggling actor and the only role you can get is in Hollyoaks, then surely that is an affront to your so-called talent. Or something like that.
The Owl of Bewilderment
Ever see Crossroads? Next to that,
HOLLYOAKS WAS SHAKESPEARE!
GOON SHOWS
They needed mentioning (apparently), so here goes.
I bought a couple of them on CD for my dad's birthday and they really are quite weird, aren't they?
I mean, when they say things like: "Out you flies"... "Take these flies out and sell them", it's a wonder these people were never locked up.
They make the Little Britain guys look normal and well balanced.
Daggsy
Prince Charles liked The Goons.
THAT EXPLAINS QUITE A LOT
I'VE CRACKED IT
I'll not beat around the bush. WLW is... Peter Crouch, the soccer "sensation".
Think about it, man. He's so tall. Tall like... a giraffe! Don't think I don't know your game, WLW.
Random 'Ziner of t'week - Toenail Clippings. Your lucky colour - grellow.
Farmer Jack
Huh! I want to play for a
BETTER TEAM THAN SOUTHAMPTON!
TO THE TUNE...
...of 'Oh Christmas Tree'
Oh easter eggs, oh easter eggs
You truly are delightful
Oh easter eggs, oh easter eggs
Your poetry is insightful
You melt in heat, but are immune to noise
Which is why you are loved by all the boys
Oh easter eggs, oh easter eggs
I am sick of easter eggs! Woo!
The Suited Stranger
Er, is this some kind
OF A YOLK?
THE SWITCH IN MY HOUSE
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off, just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in France. She said: "Cut it out".
Lord Charles
No, she probably said
"ARRETEZ, S'IL VOUS PLAIT!"
I'M ALL CONFUSED
A friend of mine recently showed me 'Zine for the first time and I find it very confusing.
Who are these bizarre people who write in, and what do they want? What does WLW stand for? And who would write to a giraffe for advice, anyway?
I expect you to answer all of these questions in a few pithy words at the bottom of the page.
Merson's Swansong
You know what? I've been here for
YEARS, AND STILL FIND IT CONFUSING
GRACIOUS THANKS, ESPIE...
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Esperanza, my new comely maid, who furnished me with a glorious cream Easter Egg as an early present.
I gave her a rendition of sea shanties on my ukulele for her delectation and I must admit she was most impressed.
I can't wait for the summer so I can take the cover off the swimming pool. The water polo will be most edifying.
The Brigadier
Brig, are you any relation to
THE MAJOR IN FAWLTY TOWERS?
