The Mega-Zine Museum
July 12, 2004
YE PURPLE PUFF OF ANCIENT LORE I would like to draw your attention to... nothing in particular. I was thinking about that already.
LIL' VAMPIRESS (WHO LOVES MIKE LEWIS) WLW, have you ever eaten a chocolate monkey? No — you give me one good rhesus why I should.
LORD CHARLES My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the flat somewhere. Finding it could prove a very hard tusk.
"TWO PROGRAMMES I DISLIKE" BY EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE 'ZINER
- Punk'd with Ashton "I'm-pretending-to be-cool-and-pretending-that-this-show-is-my-own-idea" Kutcher.
- Strictly Come Dancing. Need I explain why?! Oh please don't make Bruce Forsyth dance.
He Who Loves To Skank
I feel sorry for Ashton. He's under
A LOT OF PRESSURE, KUTCHER
REASONS TO HATE MY JOB #8732048
I have just had two weeks off work due to what I described as exam commitments but which is really known as laziness. And what do they do while I'm away? Only go and employ five new people.
Which means on my return, they now think I am new. I am not new damnit! It takes years of practice to cultivate this degree of rudeness and disdain.
The Way And The Light
Being thought a newbie when you're not?
OH, THE SHAME, THE SHAME!
THE FICKLENESS OF THE PANTS
It pains me to declare that as of 9am this morning, I am no longer the Hot Pants and Hat Ensemble of Anne Diamond.
I was dismissed due to my breaking of the Official Secrets Act when I told Lorraine Kelly that Ms Diamond does actually wear wool.
Fortunately, I was picked up from the bin and fashioned into a feather boa, so all is well. Huzzah!
Ana Matronic's Funky Purple Boa
Anne Diamond's hot pants would need a
FAIR BIT OF CLOTH...
TO BE A WIZARD
Oh to be a wizard... or some sort of mechanical man, but mainly a wizard.
You could cast spells, turn men into badgers, eradicate stuff, poison stuff, create cross-breeds... like a cross between a goat, a vole and Les Dennis.
The point I'm getting at is, stay in school kids.
Stuttercut
I once met one who had got asthma
HE WAS A WIZARD WHEEZE
MS LILAC LEOPARD
WLW, I would like an apology (or at least some chocolate) for calling me "Mr Leopard" the other day.
I was a Ms the last time I chucked... and how many blokes do you know called Claire, exactly?
Spankage for making such a silly mistake, my little gender-confused (and confusing) giraffe, you.
Lilac Leopard
I'm sorry — I should know you
DON'T CHANGE YOUR SPOTS
MUSCLE PULLING
Don't laugh. Don't. My drama teacher is killing me.
We're constantly rehearsing for our embarrassment in front of Year Nine. And today I pulled a muscle. But not just any muscle. Oh no. I had to pull my bum muscle.
I was limping around pitifully and the rest of the cast was rolling on the floor in hysterics.
It's not fair.
Blonde Butterfly
I've met some pains in the
BUM IN MY TIME, TOO
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY PENCIL CASE...
I have just shot a beautiful film called One Boy, One Girl, One Hoover. It's mainly a love story and ends with a romantic scene in a puddle.
Two Playmobil people play the parts of the boy and the girl and it was all filmed on my bedroom floor — if you look closely you can see my alarm clock in the background.
Anyone want tickets? It's showing in my shed this afternoon.
Toenail Clippings
A Hoover and a puddle? This show
COULD BE SHOCKING!
