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June 20, 2004

STUTTERCUT Did you know that the colour beige is only visible from distances that are multiples of two? And so are tables. Two-times tables. Geddit?

DREAMWEAVER Sun, flip-flops, big sunglasses and ice-creams — don't you just love summer? I used to love Donna Summer. But that's a different thing.

THE BRIGADIER Summer means imbibing sherry by the swimming pool and cantaloupe soup for lunch. Glorious. Just don't imbibe the pool, old chap.

 

READING FESTIVAL

I saw an advert for this in the paper and it sounds rather intriguing. I have nothing against all these music festivals, but a reading festival sounds like a breath of fresh air.

In contrast to all the noise of the big rock festivals, this festival would be rather quiet and wouldn't have any misbehaviour or antics. Unless Tom Paulin's there, that is.

The Wonky Gnome

I prefer Tea In The Park

ALWAYS NICE ON A SUNNY DAY

 

ANAGRAMS ROCK!

Here's a selection of my personal favourites:

  • Santa = Satan
  • Satan = Santa (well, duh)
  • WLW = WLW (phew, that was a tough one)
  • Dormitory = Dirty room (well it is!)
  • Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler (tee hee)

Frodo Mercury the Hobbit Warrior

How about Britney Spears?

BEST PR IN YEARS

 

ENTER THE VOID

By now I'll probably be in my final week of exams. Heaven knows what happens, then — it'll be study leave with nothing to study. I've already spent a month vegetating in front of children's TV and it looks like that's my fate for the next three months.

Anyway, has anyone else noticed that Neil Buchanan hasn't aged in the past ten years?

Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller

Three months of children's TV?

YOU'LL BE LONGING FOR EXAMS!

 

NEWS FLASH

In world news, the discovery that Australia is growing has sent shockwaves around the world. By the year 2050 it will be possible to fit four Canadas inside Australia.

The Prime Minister of Canada, Celine Dion is said to be "deeply unhappy" and has recommended an anti-growth harness that will fit around Australia and stunt the growth like a certain fizzy drink.

Topper

What are you on? You must have

DRUNK CANADA DRY

 

WHEN I APPEAR ON THE WEAKEST LINK I'M GOING TO:

  • Use up nearly all of a round thinking about an answer, then shout "Bank" just before the time runs out.
  • Answer "Elvis!" for every question.
  • Keep asking Anne to repeat a question for the whole round.
  • Ask for a vowel.

The DeLorean That Got Struck By Lightning

Behave like that and people will

THINK YOU'RE THE MISSING LINK

 

WHY OH WHY?

Upon entering my local newsagents to acquire some Mountain Fresh chewing gum, I noticed something was different.

The formerly bald shop owner now had a beautiful full head of hair. When I say beautiful full head of hair, I am of course referring to a crudely-crafted toupee that resembles a dead ferret.

The Lightning Lady

Why not give him the coins and

SAY THAT YOU WANT TOUPEE?

 

EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF A DATE

  • My dog has been suffering from depression and I really think we need to spend some time together.
  • My friend is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and I'm her phone-a-friend. You know what these shows are like, they could ring at any time.
  • The football season has just started — I'll call you once it has ended.

The Bank of Friendship

How to get out of a date? Say that

YOU DON'T LIKE DRIED FRUIT