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January 25, 2004

THE VILLAGE IDIOT I agree with Katherine The Groat, the pottery on here is rubbish. That Etruscan vase on your head, it's cracked. I was distracted watching Ghost.

ARRANT NERD BOXES YODELLER WLW, I challenge you to a jewel! A big sparkly designer one?!

TOPPER If I ever meet somebody with the name Donna Kebab I'll probably be happy forever. Yes, that would be great. Don't eat her though.

 

A NEW GAME

I have invented a new game. It is where you go up to a random person about 10 years older than you and say you were in their class in infant/primary/secondary school.

If they remember you, then have a chat and tell them a false name. If they cannot remember you, give them a wedgie and ride off on your hovercraft.

Sacred Grapes

I'll look forward to hearing

YOUR REPORTS ON THIS MATTER

 

BRING BACK RICHARD (AND ED TUDORPOLE)

Since the Crystal Maze seems to have disappeared from Challenge TV, I thought I would give you some Richard O'Brien quotes.

  • "Reckless Rick here, your gorgeous guide to the Crystal Maze."
  • "What's that over there? Gosh, could it be..."
  • "The sands of time are running out."
  • "Toooo the Crystal Dome!"

Junior Minister

Always like the sand line myself

IF ONLY THEY MADE CASTLES TOO

 

CATCHING THINGS IN MOUTH

As you all would have seen lately, some goon wrote in saying he caught a Ferrero Rocher in his mouth.

Well, on the night of Saturday, January 17, I, The Great Pretender, caught... wait for it... a cold.

Just my luck.

The Great Pretender

Try coloured bubble gum balls

THAT'S WHAT WE THROW IN THE TOWERS

 

NO MICE WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS MESSAGE

In recent days, I have found out that mice are much more than the scurrying nuisance they are often made out to be.

There are many practical uses for a mouse — they make excellent sponges and stress balls and they can make a game of ping pong far more exciting.

I advise you, though, that they are not dishwasher safe.

The Wonky Gnome

Mavis finds them most enjoyable

HANGING FROM HER MOUTH

 

FRED

Fred wasn't happy with with his Fred and Son shop sign. He berated the sign-writer, "The spaces between Fred and and and and and Son should be wider".

In saying this he became the first non-stuttering greengrocer to use the word and five times consecutively in one sentence.

The sign-writer wasn't impressed and hit Fred five times consecutively with the sign, which impressed Fred no end.

Lovey Dovey

I'll be hitting someone if I don't

GET RID OF THIS EYE STRAIN

 

SHAUN GOATER

You can have a lot of fun with Shaun Goater's name:

  • Goater the toilet.
  • Goater Hell!
  • Goater bed!
  • Shaun me the money!
  • Shaun Goater is rubbish at football.

I made that last one up myself!

Next, Geoff Horsfield!

Madman 20002

Rubbish at football?

MUST BE A SPURS SUPPORTER

 

HOW TO BE A GRUNGER/SWEAT HEAD/WEIRDO IN THREE EASY STEPS

  1. Buy black clothes and do not wash these or yourself for a month.
  2. Lock yourself in your room and listen to an earthquake or so-called rock "music".
  3. Call your dog Saran and worship him and pray for a life.

Samurai Pizza Cat

I don't think I'll follow

ANY OF THOSE, THANK YOU