Mega-Zine
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August 22—23, 2003

FAIRY BUTTERCUP I know for sure that Blazin' Squad are planks because I have met them. Which is also the reason why my mum calls me a psycho. You chose to meet them? I agree with your mum.

SAMURAI HEDGEHOG WLW, do you reckon if we all stop mentioning The Brigadier, he'll just disappear into port-soaked oblivion? I tried that once but like a bad smell he kept lingering.

MRS DONNIE DARKO What do you call a townie in a box? In-it! Like it!

 

TO ALL THOSE WHO LIKE ICE CUBES IN THEIR DRINKS

I have discovered that once the ice has melted you get left with bits in your drink. It's not nice.

But this only happens with home-made ice cubes so are the white bits caused by dirty tap water? No! It still happens if you use mineral water or filtered water.

But pubs don't have this problem. So my plan is to steal all the ice I possibly can from a pub.

Cold Drinks Girl

Ace is moving — see page 408

DOWN YOUR TROUSERS

 

RINGY DINGY DOO DAH

"Hello. Hello. Hiya, it's me. I'm typing a message to 'Zine, and talking to you of course, heh heh heh! What are you doing? Oh-oh, I was wondering what that flushing sound was. Yeah, I suppose you'll need both hands for that. OK, I'll talk to you later. Bye."

You're never alone with a mobile phone.

Turn That Rubbish Off

Ace is moving — see page 408

GETTING DAVORD'S OUT OF THE U-BEND

 

NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Hello 'Ziners. I started reading your letters a few weeks ago and thought I might as well get in on the action.

Also, what the hell are you guys on about? You talk about absolutely nothing!

Anyway, I'm from Grimsby (yes, the home of fish).

The Wizard Of Ozzi

Ace is moving — see page 408

AROUND YOUR LETTER

 

WHY IS IT THAT...

  • Doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • To stop Windows, you have to click on Start?
  • The time of day with the slowest traffic is called the rush hour?
  • Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
  • They sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

I guess we'll never know.

The DeLorean That Got Struck By Lightning

Ace is moving — see page 408

ABOUT THE LAST ONE. REALLY

 

TOP TEN GREATEST WORDS EVER

  1. Abattoir
  2. Elbow
  3. Bulb
  4. Bourgeois
  5. Cabbage
  6. Plop
  7. Marmalade
  8. Crunchy
  9. Cauliflower
  10. Frankfurter

The Chicken Who Crossed The Road

Ace is moving — see page 408

REALLY GO TOGETHER NICE. AHEM

 

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

Being of the cynical variety, I was thinking, right, sword fight, Orlando Bloom gets the girl, they sail off into the sunset, blah blah blah.

Man, how wrong was I!

If Johnny Depp doesn't get an Oscar for Jack "Keith Richards" Sparrow, I will eat this here sofa.

Local Person

Ace is moving — see page 408

BUT NOT ENOUGH TO EAT A SOFA FOR

 

ABOMINABLE

People come on here to announce they are going on holiday. Are we supposed to care? Are they going to send us a postcard? Are they going to bring us back a nice souvenir of their trip?

No, they're not. So why should we care?

But if anyone's going to the Himalayas, could you get me a pair of genuine hand-woven, yeti-skin carpet slippers please? My old ones have worn out.

The One With The Other Brain Cell

Ace is moving — see page 408

DIDN'T THINK SO