Mega-Zine
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May 20, 2003

DRUNK KID CATHOLIC The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. In the Towers it's Jaffas and monkey nuts.

JAKARKA MARLEY Calling all 'Ziners, I have an announcement — I'm going for garlic chicken pizza! Eugh. Take your smelly breath elsewhere then, please.

HAMSTER THE GANGSTER FROM HAMSTERDAM Sorry I haven't written for a while but some idiot stuck a magnet on the side of a computer so now we're all banned. A great disservice indeed.

 

YOUR ANNUAL REMINDER

I feel obliged to remind all 'Ziners that the most exciting three hours of TV all year are arriving soon — May 24, to be exact.

Yes, it's Eurovision again! This year, I'm rooting for the funky Romania, the smooth Iceland, and the inexplicable Ukraine.

I'll be happy just as long as flipping t.A.T.u don't go and win! I mean, it's a family show!

Insane Jam Sow

Snogging your sister, now that

WOULD BE TASTELESS

 

IF 'ZINERS WERE NINE INCH NAILS SONGS

  • Topper — Big Man With A Gun (funny).
  • WLW — Closer (the one everyone loves).
  • Me — Mr Self Destruct (kinda explains itself).
  • Samurai Hedgehog — The Perfect Drug (popular with the girls).
  • Briggie — Purest Feeling (very old).
  • Ms Ruiner — Ruiner (again, kinda explains itself).

Mr Self Destruct

I would imagine Briggie doesn't feel

MUCH AFTER A FEW PORTS BUT DIZZY

 

ME V BRIGGIE

I send my biggest smile to Duchess Pandora or Ormondroyd for saying Ziners should worship me. I am, however, not into fighting with an old war hero. It'd be like beating your own grandad in a swimming race!

Duchess, although I don't know you, may I take this moment to sing you a song? "Would you dance, if I asked you to dance? I can be yer hero baaaaby..."

DJ Dave

Who'd have thought Enrique

WAS A DJ

 

SPAM, SPAM, LOVELY SPAM

The other day I was watching the news and what did I see? A Monty Python sketch preceding an article on junk e-mails.

Precisely what is going on when Python routines appear on the news?

The world is falling apart.

Anathema

Better than a Blazin' Squad

ROUTINE YOU MUST ADMIT

 

POETRY CORNER

Mega-zine is so, so great,
The top is where it's at,
It's better than everything else,
Especially that stupid B*ckch*t.

I thank you all, my friends. See you later, I've been...

Sykopathik Mushroom

Poetic genius returns

WITH A MUSHROOM SHAPED HEAD

 

THINGS THAT HAVE UPSET ME LATELY

  • All the new 'Ziners with names similar to mine.
  • King Of The Telegraph Poles' unkind remarks about my grammar.
  • Topper's Matt Fatt stories. Stop taking the name of Matt in vain! It's a lovely name, it's the name of the most amazing man on earth, Matt Skiba. Anyone who disses Matt will face the punishment. This includes you, WLW.

Pink Punk Princess

I quite like Matt's adventures

AS WELL AS HIS NAME

 

A PHONE CALL

ME:"Hello?"
PERSON:"Hello, this is Hayley from blah, blah, blah. Are you interested in an extension to your house?"
ME:"I don't have a house."
PERSON:"Is the owner of this house interested?"
ME:"I don't have a house."
PERSON:"May I speak to your parents please?"
ME:"Aaaaaargh, I don't like yoghurt." (Hangs up).

The DimGirl (from the molehole)

Better than being harrassed for

A LEG EXTENSION