Mega-Zine
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May 8, 2003

THE SOULSHAKER I forgot what I was going to say but the mouth keeps chewing. I noticed. You're spraying me. Please close your gob.

THE TRANCINATOR Why do smelly people sit next to you on the coach when there is an empty seat two rows back? They're usually as batty at the Brigadier as well as being stinky winky.

QUEEN NIVEUS OF COOLHAVEN Live by the Quotient Rule, die by the Quotient Rule. Rules are for wimps. Break them all I say.

 

WHERE AM I?

WLW, after you locked me in the cellar of the Towers I discovered your stash of liquors.

After a term of insanity, one of them has become my best friend. His name's Jack Daniel and he has an intoxicating effect on me.

Now I can't feel my legs! Bye.

Jack Daniel's Bestest Friend

Jack was Davord's good friend before

HE WENT INTO REHAB

 

I AM BACK!

Finally, after a few weeks of torture, I can now e-mail 'Zine again. Hooray! There is a God!

Well, that's all I wanted to say.

I hoped maybe somebody missed me. Maybe I was wrong.

Haribo Girli

God lives in your computer?

THAT'S NOT WHAT MY VICAR SAID

 

MY FINEST HOUR

After what's been too long, I've decided to write to you again for three reasons, WLW.

  1. My name is featured on Insane Jam Sow's website.
  2. The punnery of the Association of Rolling Stones Enthusiasts seemed to go unnoticed.
  3. There is no greater thrill than being regaled by Topper's tales of Matt.

Hilarious Kenneth

Matt is a glorious read

BUT KEN, YOU MUST BE HILARIOUS

 

ENOUGH ALREADY!

The Pint-Sized Pineapple is right. This hero worship of Briggie has to stop.

I propose we have a new idol to worship — the gorgeous DJ Dave.

He doesn't smell of wee and port and, to my knowledge, he does not want to smear chocolate over his servants.

Duchess Pandora of Ormondroyd

Dave v Briggie

LET THE MUD FIGHTS COMMENCE

 

WILL SOMEONE? PLEASE? ANYONE?

I wish fellow 'Ziners, nay, I beg, will somebody put me in a list? I don't care what it is, Best Mullet Award or perhaps the most likely to fail in future life.

It won't hurt me if my tarnished reputation is, well, tarnished even more, but I draw the line at lists that include Gareth Gates or The Brigadier.

The Devil's Avocado

Lists are like the charts my friend

NO 1 ISN'T ALWAYS THAT GOOD

 

DEAR DR NICK

Is he lying?

Here's why my unemployed boyfriend (who lives on a hill and has a contract phone) says he hasn't texted me back:

  • No credit.
  • No signal.
  • No time.

Is he lying?

Stella's Soulmate

Absolutely not

A PILLAR OF TRUTHFULNESS

 

MY PAPER SHREDDER

What a marvellous invention. Instead of just putting my unwanted papers into the recycling bins, I can now shred them up into tiny pieces, then put them into the recycling bins.

The thing is so powerful, that when I first turned it on, it fused the house!

And when I don't feed it, it growls at me.

Help me! It's coming for my homework!

Ian

Mind your sleeves

MINE RUINED MY GOOD SHIRTS