Mega-Zine
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March 30, 2003

HONEY PIE Actors always get asked if they watch themselves on TV. WLW, do you read yourself on TV? Actually no. I get embarrassed like actors.

PURPLE PUNK Topper, are you a hip-hop fan? Please God say I'm not alone. Friends and others, the punk rock and hip-hop revolution is nearing. I hear the Beastie Boys are coming back. I've got my body movin' in anticipation.

KATE Before little boxes become big boxes, do they go through cuberty? One for Nick perhaps.

 

HI Y'ALL

I'd just like to ask if any 'Ziners are from Ireland. Because I am. And are any 'Zine gals looking for a man?

Also Brigadier, can I call you Briggie? I think you're a mad old fart with a drinking profile. Well it's about time someone said it.

Anyway, I must go feed my pet kangaroo, Sir Winston Poppycock Levi Wrangler the Third.

Bill The Depressed Mule

Mavis would very much like to meet

SIR WINSTON FOR TEA

 

PAGE ONE MESSAGES

Here's a small collection of my unprinted page one messages for your enjoyment:

  1. If television is evolving, then why isn't B*ckch*t extinct yet?
  2. Why, WLW, I'd love to help you out! Which way did you come in?
  3. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day — teach that person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Genius at Work

The first one is something I am

KEEN TO LOOK INTO, YOU GENIUS

 

WEATHER FORECASTS

I can't be the only one left utterly confused by them. I'm none the wiser having watched one than I was before.

Half of it seems to be telling us what it was like today — I know that, thanks — then lie rest is filled with snazzy graphics of pretty arrows swirling around, and tales of fronts, depressions, and other such like.

Can't they just tell me if I'm going to need my umbrella?

Insane Jam Sow

Stick your head out the window

MORE TRUSTWORTHY

 

IN 'ZINERS WERE FOOTBALLERS (Part 2)

  • The Brigadier — Laurent Blanc (getting on a bit, it must be said).
  • Elton's Piano Stool — Alan Smith (ponces around too much for my liking).
  • Samurai Hedgehog — Maradona (uses his hands too much. He knows what I mean!).

Farmer Jack

Ooh Samurai

TOUCHY FEELY LIKE CHEEKY GIRLS?!

 

GONE!

She Who Lost The Plot, Mystical Doorknob, Savage Cabbage, The Dark Grey Wolf Of Norbex, Black Widow, Bob Bob The Bob, Pablo Marmite, The Man With The Golden Bun, The One With Little Significance, Plughole Fantasy...

I'll stop now. I'm starting to feel old.

Alf, The Unstoppable Sprout

How do you think I feel then?!

TRY DOING THIS FOR A LIFETIME

 

HORSES AND PLATES

There are two types of people in this world — people whose faces look like horses, and people whose faces look like plates.

Famous horses include Kylie Minogue, Tina Turner and Prince Charles. Famous plates include Yoko Ono and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Myself, I am a plate. Horses are the more common type.

What about you, WLW?

Fibreglass Monkey

Giraffe!

LONG NECK, SPOTTY FACE

 

SHOCK TREATMENT

I am shocked at you, WLW. Contrary to popular belief, I actually work a lot nowadays.

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, my darling mistress, Anne, has come back into the public eye.

Most recently, I was on Richard And Judy and was most troubled when Richard kept trying to chat me up!

Anne Diamond's Hot Pants and Hat Ensemble

Richard did that to you too?!

SCOUNDREL