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September 9, 2002

THE SYKOPATHIK MUSHROOM WLW, why don't you print my e-mails? Not interesting enough? Have I got the wrong address? Why oh why don't you print them? OK, which do you want me to answer first?

SUGARED VENOM WLW, what is your favourite cheese? I don't think you can beat a really smelly blue one myself.

SAMURAI HEDGEHOG WLW, how did you get your job? It's one of those mysteries that has plagued me for, oooh, two minutes now. No other candidates matey.

 

THINGS I HATE ABOUT WORKING IN A SUPERMARKET

  • People that try to talk to me
  • People that don't talk to me when I try to talk to them
  • People that ask me to help them pack
  • People that complain
  • Old women with beards

I want my paper round back!

The Way And The Light

Yeah, but you don't tend to get bitten

BY BONKERS DOGS IN A SUPERMARKET

 

BEST NEW(ISH) 'ZINERS

This award goes to the newer 'Ziners who I think have been quite funny, and also because Samurai Hedgehog wanted to be mentioned in a list:

  1. Samurai Hedgehog
  2. Spike the Spikey Pineapple
  3. moosesNOTmeese is new, isn't he/she?
  4. Um... me?

I couldn't think of any more, OK?

Crinkle-cut Beatroot

There's been a glut of funny newbies —

TOUGH CATEGORY THIS YEAR

 

READING 2002 LOW POINTS

  1. 13-year-olds in Slipknot hoodies
  2. The toilets!
  3. The annoying Scottish man who kept making people move their tents at 6am
  4. The price of a pint
  5. The price of chips. Outrage!

The Little Silver Moonbaby

As I suspected — a list of low points.

I SOOOO KNEW THERE HAD TO BE ONE

 

MY POPSTARS: THE RIVALS AUDITION

I arrive at Manchester at 5.20am.
There is a massive queue and people are singing.
I wait until 9am until they let us in.
I get given a sticker with a number on and sit on chairs leading to the audition room.

The person before me comes out and doesn't get through.
I go in and three ugly faces look at me.
I sing and Pete Waterman says I'm terrible.
Geri looks like a rag doll.
I cry and go home!

Dan the Dustbin Man

Do you REALLY want to associate with

THOSE SAD WANNABE MISFITS?

 

DUCK IN THE HAT

The bookmark you referred to in your letter featured the legend that is Barry, the cat.

Barry lives in Looe in Cornwall and is responsible for many words of wizdum (his spelling, not mine), so it is my belief he should be Prime Minister.

Let's face it, anything's better than Blair.

The Yorkie Bar Kid

A cat as Prime Minister?

YES — I LIKE YOUR THINKING

 

POETRY CORNER

There once was a horse called Bruce
Who befriended Bert the moose
Together they got lost
Due to the frost
And both ended up on the loose!

Not just a pretty face, am I?

Emma-the-lil'-Angel

One can only hope that you ARE

AT LEAST A PRETTY FACE

 

THINGS THAT ARE FACT AND NOT JUST MY OPINION:

  1. The Tweenies are too scary for little children
  2. Man City are the best football team... ever!
  3. The talking baby on the Standard Life advert is a demon
  4. WLW is male!

The last one is definitely true. I think.

The Young Upstart

I think your comment about Man City

PROVES YOU'RE PERHAPS... TIRED?