The Mega-Zine Museum
July 24, 2002
SQUIDGY LOBSTER Here's the pink carpet you ordered, WLW. Where do you want it? Over there, by the lime-green sofa.
STYLUSKID WLW, does it annoy you that I'm still using Christmas stamps in late July? Like you have no idea.
ERNIE'S BATHTIME BUDDIE WLW, if I send this now, will you say happy birthday to me on the July 24, and possibly draw me a birthday cake? Too much to ask? Too much on page one, yes. It'd be like THE smallest cake ever!
WLW
You are female. I'm 98% sure. I can't quite remember what you said, but it gave your gender away hugely.
If I'm wrong, then I apologise. I think I'm right, though. maybe. Yes, I'm sure... positive.
So, are you?
The Roundabout Of Magic
For every 98% of certainty,
THERE'S ALWAYS 2% OF UNCERTAINTY
WLW
A gift... tit for tat. I promise I'll let you borrow my Dame Edna glasses and spangly orange wig, but only if you do a piccie of a fly.
It's not for me, it's for my pet spiders, Gus and Pickled Pete. Pleeeeease?
Pickled Waffle of Woe
A fly, no. But hey — I got Gus
TO SIT FOR THIS, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU
A HAIKU
In fact, an ode to British summertime:
Oh, what is this heat?
I think I might be melting
This cannot be good
Not Entirely Me
Wow — who said the whole haiku thang
WAS DEAD? ME? WAS IT REALLY?
TO THE BRIGADIER
I do believe I'm equally as delightful and alluring as this "Kate" woman.
So if she won't have you, I would be most eager to join you in Florence and appreciate your vineyards, not to mention your jocular jingles.
We would, I am certain, indulge in spectacular felicitations as well.
The Girl In Knickerbockers
Take a friend with you, love —
DON'T GET LEFT ALONE WITH HIM
'ZINERS
While sitting at home, waiting for something to happen, I came up with a new list of names for any readers to use if they don't have one yet:
- Captive Milkman
- Doubtful Canvas Finger
- Quality Wattage Shield
- Red Reporter Junkie
- False Dioxide
- Inflatable Assassin
Feel free to use them, I would be flattered.
Outcast
So there you go — name provided...
ANYONE GOT ANYTHING TO SAY THEN?
CHIPS AND SPAGHETTI?
Once I went to this girl's house and I was served chips and spaghetti. I don't understand it, why would you serve chips with spaghetti?
Spaghetti and chips — it's ridiculous, dammit.
CHIPS AND SPAGHETTI!
The Girl (with the imaginary friend called Cecilia)
This really has created
A DEEP, FESTERING WOUND, HASN'T IT?
CLICHES
If you're trying to hit the nail on the head and not mince words, it goes without saying that cliches won't do the trick.
They seldom throw any light on the subject and probably should never see the light of day.
At the end of the day, they're basically annoying!
Fibreglass Monkey
When all's said and done, a
NOD'S AS GOOD AS A WINK, MATE
