Mega-Zine
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July 19—20, 2002

QUEEN OF THE TROUBLED TEENS I want the moon on a stick. And I want a Pineapple Mivvi but you don't always get what you want in this life, do ya?

MISTOFFELEES Dear Dr Nick, I am in love with James from Pokemon. I love his sparkling eyes and his sexy blue hair. Could he ever love me? Oh sorry, wrong page. Very much the wrong page!

SATAN'S RUBBER DUCK Can you print this quickly please? Soon, they're gonna notice I'm missing. Hello? Police?

 

DEAR WLW,

Whatever happened to the wonderful beverage that was TAB, the clear cola? I have one theory that some sort of alien mongoose stole it all, but I have yet to prove it.

Who knows? You Decide.

Jungle Jim

I never tried it, but you know what?

I BUY THAT MONGOOSE THEORY

 

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

Since there are so many lists being sent to 'Zine, I thought I would be part of it as well.

  1. Mars Bars (mmmm)
  2. Davord (I don't know why)
  3. The Brigadier (the union jack trunks)
  4. Bolton Wanderers (my local team)
  5. Acid blue hair
  6. Laughing at bendy thumbs (don't ask)
  7. (Brackets)

Blue Fluff from a Bald Man's Belly Button

Any list that includes Davord

AND THE BRIGADIER IS A WORRY

 

I'M NOT SCOTTISH

Even though my name is The One And Only Kilted Haggis, I am not actually Scottish. I'm just insane. But hey, what's new?

I just really like Scotland and I also wanted to say HELLOOOOOO to the Tartan Sheep. Ya rule, ye wee laddie/lassie (sorry, I don't know what you are).

The One And Only Kilted Haggis

Names are just that. I don't suppose

PINK MAFIA IS PINK OR ITALIAN

 

DEAR 'ZINERS,

I was on holiday in Southport last week and one of the townies I spotted was wearing an orange tracksuit. And not just bits of orange or orange stripes — this was all over 100% orange.

Now, the question is, what makes a person look at all the colours on the shelf and pick orange? Perhaps colour blindness? Orange should only ever be worn by railway workers.

Captain Slog

And have you noticed how they all look

LIKE MICHAEL OWEN IN SOUTHPORT?

 

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT LONDON UNDERGROUND
Part 1:

As I often have to use the Tube on my travels, I have decided to compile a set of my observations when travelling on it.

Firstly — who on earth thinks up the names? Looking at my map, I found Chalk Farm, Elephant and Castle, Temple and (my favourite) Mudchute.

Is this Davord's doing?

Bob Snitchet

Listen, after Thursday's shenanigans,

BE GRATEFUL FOR A TUBE AT ALL!

 

TOP 10 LIST OF AWFUL PLACES TO LIVE:

  1. Bala
  2. Grimsby
  3. Hull
  4. Hell
  5. Texas
  6. Wales in general
  7. Stoke-on-Trent
  8. An old, abandoned mine
  9. Cornwall
  10. The Big Brother house

The Squirrel On Espresso

London ain't no picnic

IN TOURIST SEASON, BELIEVE ME

 

REVERSE BIG BROTHER

I've had a great idea for a new game show: Reverse Big Brother!

Basically, every week a new person is banished into the Big Brother house and forced to perform humiliating tasks for our amusement.

The last person left on Earth, not in the Big Brother house, wins. And his prize? Complete and total rulership of the world!

Urban Hero

I notice you said 'his' prize —

YOU'RE GONNA GET SOOOO MUCH ABUSE