The Mega-Zine Museum
May 21, 2002
ARMADILLO IN A FAN-ASSISTED OVEN I've used up all my sick days, WLW, so I'm calling in dead. OK with you? S'OK.
PRIDE OF POPCORN Why was Cinderella so bad at football? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach! Ha ha ha! Wait, that's not funny! You are so right.
SUBATOMIC GENIUS WLW, this is a long shot, but is there any chance you are a hot babe? Well, that's the 64,000-dollar question, isn't it? How much have you got?
IF 'ZINERS WERE PREMIERSHIP TEAMS:
| WLW: | Arsenal (obviously!) |
| The Brigadier: | Man Utd (you either love them or hate them!) |
| Broccoli: | Newcastle ('cos everyone loves Newcastle!) |
| Golden Bun: | West Brom (not very good!) |
| Big Bob Flapper: | Leeds (young, talented but a bit arrogant) |
| Subatomic Genius: | Liverpool (no reason, I just wanted to mention him!) |
Fluffy The Evil One
Plughole Fantasy could be Halifax —
RELEGATED FROM THE LEAGUE COMPLETELY
OFFSIDE
Simple explanation of the "Offside Rule", even though I don't like footie.
When the ball (yes, that round thing) is passed to a player (little thing on the screen with a coloured shirt) on the same team (wearing the same coloured shirt as the thing that kicked the round thing), the player must be behind a member of the opposite team (thing wearing the other coloured shirt)... otherwise they get in trouble!
Get it?
Jezza (The Tree Hugger)
Couldn't have put it better myself —
NOW EXPLAIN A "DROP BALL" TO ME
IF 'ZINERS WERE...
characters from Cheers:
| Fluffy The Evil One: | Sam |
| Broccoli The Evil One: | Diane |
| Silvan Draconis: | Carla |
| WLW: | Woody |
| Sir Whence Pitchfork: | Frasier |
| Me: | Lilith (although I am male, by the way!) |
Insane Jam Sow
That's OK, there was a time I thought
LILITH WAS MALE!
GREETINGS FROM SUNNY CROYDON!
Actually, I'm not from Croydon (and I doubt it's ever sunny there, either), but I needed a good intro to this letter, a letter that is rapidly going downhill...
Ummm... 'Zine, right? So I've got the right place, yes? And it's full of pointless letters, yes?
WLW, does this letter rate highly on the pointless letters scale?
Scaramanga
Pointless
BEYOND BELIEF
PRAWNS
Why do we buy prawns in pints? This confuses me, as no-one is ever seen swilling down a tankard of the things.
We don't buy a gallon of mussels, or a keg of krill. Nor a quart of oysters, or a yard of limpets or whatever.
I don't know why I'm asking this. I hate seafood.
Sir Whence Pitchfork
I love seafood — sometimes I eat it for
THE SHEER HALIBUT! HA HA HA... SORRY
SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK THE QUEEN:
- So, what's it like to be Queen, then?
- Do you really like all these parades or is it just a publicity stunt?
- Can you wear the crown whenever you want?
- Do you ever wake up and think... "Yes! I'm Queen!"?
- Have you ever knighted someone you know with a sword and accidently cut off their ear?
She Who Lost The Plot
I'd like to know if she's ever met
THE PRODIGY — I HAVE NO IDEA WHY
SPURS
A man pulls up to ask for directions and says: "Can you tell me how to get to the Spurs match?"
The man he asked for directions says: "Keep going until you see a long queue and a short queue. Join the short one, the long queue is the one for chips!"
The Evil Twin
You see?
SOME GAGS JUST SCREAM QUALITY!
