The Mega-Zine Museum
February 25, 2002
THE DUCK IN THE HAT The annual conference of fortune tellers has been cancelled... due to unforeseen circumstances. There must be a law against this type of gag.
SATAN'S RUBBER DUCK There's a new Barbie doll been released, it's called Divorced Barbie — she comes with all of Ken's stuff! Enough already!
SUBATOMIC GENIUS I find it's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee. Frisbees ain't cool, period.
TV SHOWS THAT ANNOY ME
Night And Day — the horribly annoying new soap on ITV1.
The People Versus — weird.
Richard And Judy — Noooo! They're back!
Any more, fellow 'Ziners?
The Chicken Who Crossed The Road
Oh yes — The Generation Game!
TOTALLY CRINGEWORTHY
DEAR SIR/MADAM
We hope you find this product in perfect condition. However, should you have any reason for complaint, please return the complete package, stating when and where it was purchased to:
Mankyrejects, The Vegetable Garden, Deepest Darkest Farmerland, Earth.
Manky Horrible Brussel Sprout
Nope, I'm perfectly happy with it...
AND SUCH A LOVELY SHADE OF MAUVE
LOOMINUS FROOTCAKE
There's nowt wrong with Northwich. I've been there many times and if I remember rightly, there's a very nice playing field and a nice newsagents. Plus, my dad lives there.
Anyway, it's better than where I live — a house on a hill in the middle of nowhere with no shops, no neighbours, nothing. Just a few telegraph poles. And some cows turn up in the summer.
Queenie Careena
Sounds delightful — no Tubes, no jams,
NO CROWDED STREETS, LUVVERLY!
SHORT STORY
Eric the sheep lived in Wales, spending all his time eating grass and chatting up the lady sheep.
He was a very popular sheep, everyone loved him, all the best grass was reserved for him.
But one day, Eric decided it would be interesting to venture away from the safety of his pasture and travel to London to meet the Queen.
Eric never found the Queen, and he is still looking.
1929
And the moral, kids, is surely that
THE GRASS AIN'T ALWAYS GREENER ETC
PEAS
In response to Captain Slog's complaint about peas, I have this little ditty to share with you all:
I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife!
Satanic Pot Plant
Yes, very good. That one's more for
'COMEDY POETRY CORNER' I THINK!
INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT MY DAD:
- He speaks fluent German.
- He's doing a PhD in nemetology, experimenting on whether you can detect the presence of nemetodes in the roots of potato plants from how much light is picked up from their leaves by a satellite.
- He drives an old post office van.
I'm so glad he's not a hippie.
Milton and Me with the Golden Bun
Nemetology?
SAY WHAT?
CONNIE
I bet none of you knew this, but Connie (the AOL woman) is in fact an English invention. In America, they have a man saying "Welcome", but over here it's her (irritating) voice.
You just have to ask yourself, why did they bother getting a person with an English accent for AMERICA ONLINE? And someone so annoying?
Jezza (The Tree Hugger)
Annoying isn't the word! Well, it is,
ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHERS
