The Mega-Zine Museum
February 10, 2002
PRINCESS PSYCHO I notice there are a lot of people off school at the moment with this winter vomiting outbreak. I get this every time Posh Beckham releases a solo single. Harsh but fair.
GRILLAMO At my work, they sell Adidas trainers for six-month-old babies. How immoral is that? Very much so... age bizarre commodity to sell in a grocers.
SUBATOMIC GENIUS Old women with mobile phones look wrong! We've gotta stop them escalating! Especially in Tesco.
DON'T YOU WANT ME BABY?
What with the '80s coming back into fashion, thanks to the "I Love" series, I feel comfortable coming out from behind my glitterball and admitting that I am an '80s throwback and proud!
I shall don my lacey mittens, paint a white stripe across my nose and style my hair into a mullet.
So, stand and deliver, walk this way and wear those baggy trousers with pride!
The Notorious Pant Swinger
And remember, kids —
RIDICULE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF
ANORAKS
I know parents were designed to be embarrassing, but my dad's exceptional. He is a "locomotive enthusiast".
Having observed the type of people that attend steam train events, I can only be thankful that he hasn't grown a beard and doesn't walk around covered in badges with his trousers tucked into his socks. However, last week I found him in his room — waving his arms around pretending he was a train!
Sugared Venom
How old do you have to be before
YOU CAN DIVORCE YER PARENTS?
OH NO!
The unthinkable has happened — the flaccid one had fallen. I have fallen for the boy in the Slipknot hoodie.
After spending so much time making fun of the unoriginal trendy sheep that are Slipknot fans, my hormones have got the better of me.
Save yourselves — this could happen to you!
Flaccid Cookie
I can say, with all confidence —
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN TO ME!
IF 'ZINERS WERE TOWN PLANNERS:
WLW Crescent
Davord Square
Mavis Avenue
Fluffy Park
Broccoli Hospital
Jezza Road
Uneducated Shampoo Rise
Satan's Rubber Duck House
...and 'Zine Street, of course, with pubs, chip shops and stuff.
The Snorkmistress
Hmmmmm... pub names for 'Zine Street,
HOW 'BOUT THE PLUGHOLE AND POSSUM?
PEAS
Peas are so annoying. They are so small and round, they roll everywhere. Whenever I cook peas, I always manage to lose about 10% of them due to spillage. And when draining the pan, you can guarantee some peas will escape down the sink, despite your best efforts.
Why can't we have square peas instead? They'd be so much easier to handle.
Captain Slog
Alternatively, eat mushy peas instead —
VILE, BUT THEY STAY ON THE PLATE
WLW
The Stereophonics will never be able to inflict a greatest hits package on us, because they haven't got any.
And you have to be REALLY bad to have the infamous Geri fanatic — Peter Pinsent — call you bland!
Mrs TGW Bradfield
So that Handbags and Gladrags thing
IS BY SOMEONE ELSE, IS IT?
I AM NOT AMUSED
I must admit that I'm somewhat crestfallen. I showed up at the Hear'Say auditions on Monday in full battlefield regalia — including my jodhpurs and smoking my pipe — but the people in charge registered scant regard for my tonsillorial talent.
They would not let me past the door as I began trilling Land Of Hope And Glory. I was most distressed. I felt my chirpy warbling would be awe-inspiring.
The Brigadier
You needed a famous girlfriend —
PERHAPS ONE OF THE BEVERLEY SISTERS?
