The Mega-Zine Museum
January 22, 2002
SILVAN DRACONIS Anyone seen a runaway penguin? I seem to be missing one. He's black and white, has a blue mohawk and studded leather bracelets on his flippers. Can't miss him. Er... no!
SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT Lightning never strikes twice. The same goes for cheese straws. And trains, no wait — they do.
THE TALENTED MR KIPLING Why are you wearing odd socks today, WLW? Problems at the launderette? All part of my mysterious individualistic persona!
MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE
Fellow Ziners — I ask you a most chin-strokingly ponderous question: Why do adverts on the telly for razors and other de-beardifying devices never actually contain the word "beard" at all?
Where has the logic gone? Answer me this and I'll grant to you eternal happiness from the bottom of my heart.
The Suited Stranger
Well, oh suited one, I can honestly say
THAT I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST
B*CKCH*T
It occured to me that reading B*ckch*t provides the same type of amusement as some people get from watching idiots on skis crashing into fir trees half way down a ski slope on You've Been Framed.
Only without Lisa Riley's commentary.
The One With The Mighty Antlers
You've Been Framed — the TV equivalent
OF THE SHELLSUIT
CHERRIES
If one is to take a nice big bite of some Dairy Milk chocolate, let it sit at the back of the mouth, then take a gulp of lovely, warm tea, swirl it around slightly then swallow, there is a distinct taste of cherries.
Why? Who knows? But to try it is to love it!
Sir Whence Pitchfork
I'm getting a frisky bouquet of...
WELL... TEA AND CHOCOLATE
PILCHARDS
With all this recent talk of odd museums, may I suggest one? OK, it's not technically a museum, but The Pilchard Works in Cornwall does sound intriguing.
I found it in an Attractions Of Cornwall brochure. Apparently "a great day out for all the family".
Also, I came across a restaurant called The Pilchard Press, although, sadly, I did not get a chance to visit either.
Queenie Careena
I can hear Gloomy licking his lips
AS WE SPEAK!
BOWLS
Does anybody else watch this fascinating... thing? There is so much to ponder — its hypnotic nature, the colour coding, the fact no one in the audience is under 75 and, of course, why anybody would dedicate their lives to "playing" it.
No more time to make this letter any better, my Sunday roast is calling.
The Torture Garden
It's like snooker, quite therapeutic,
MAKES ME... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
IN EXAMS, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO...
- Coughs constantly
- Keeps tapping their pen on the desk
- Has a watch that keeps bleeping
- Finishes early and sits there sending out smug-rays
- Wants to discuss the exam with you afterwards.
I hate A-levels!
The Little Silver Moonbaby
And someone who stares into space
IN BLIND PANIC... THAT WAS ME!
CONGLOMERATE
Is that not the best word ever? I stumbled upon it in a General Studies textbook and I'm still unsure of its meaning but, c'mon, it sounds good, doesn't it?
Here are some possible uses:
- I will conglomerate you if you don't shut up!
- When is the conglomerate meeting?
- I am a conglomerate
Conglomerative Snaz
The chances of Chelsea ever winning
THE PREMIERSHIP ARE CONGLOMERATE
