Mega-Zine
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December 23, 2001

LILAC LEOPARD More on my confusing battle with foreign languages. Now it's German. They have the longest words in the world. What's the deal? Never use a few letters where 23 will do.

KELLOGULATION And that's why, WLW, it's not about the swimming, it's about the matching bathing caps. And Speedos, must have matching Speedos.

PARSLEY POSSUM Miss World, if Dr Nick is female, how does (s)he know so much about, er... boy stuff? Good question!

 

THE LIFE OF A CRUMPET

Ah yes, I'm a bit of crumpet. Mmmmm, all warm and toasty and smothered in butter. Don't I just make you hungry?

Watch what you're doing with that knife! Oi, I want fine china, not paper party plates! Get your greasy fingers off!

On second thoughts, I'd much rather be a pancake.

Broccoli The Evil One

Now then, a hot buttered crumpet,

THAT WOULD DEFINITELY DO THE TRICK

 

I WANNA DO A LIST

Here's my Top Seven (just to differ) food or drink list:

  1. Stilton cheese
  2. Picalilli
  3. Cheese and Picalilli sarnies
  4. Dandelion and Burdock
  5. Mincemeat
  6. Meringue nests
  7. Blue WKD.

Cheers for your attention!

Tiger In Blueprint

Where's the Terry's Chocolate Orange?

GOTTA HAVE TERRY'S CHOCOLATE ORANGE

 

WOLVERHAMPTON, I'M SORRY!

I want to apologise to my home town for my nomination of "most boring town".

I take it all back and, as a proud Wolverhamptarian, I want to say that the council has done a pretty good job of making it look respectable since we became a city.

I now want to say Wolverhampton, I salute you... nurse, where's my pill?

Fluffy The Evil One

Pill? Just the one?

I'D SAY SEVERAL WERE NECESSARY

 

CODSWALLOP

In Alanis Morrissette's Ironic, she moans about things like "10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife" and something like "a free ride but you've already paid".

The ironic thing is that these things aren't ironic at all, are they? They are just "typical" or "bad luck".

Methinks she needs to look in a dictionary.

The Man With The Golden Bun

Methinks she should just quit anyway —

WAILING BANSHEE THAT SHE IS

 

SMARTIES

Best Smartie colours... starting with the best:

Purple
Red
Brown
Blue
Pink
Green
Yellow
Orange.

No other order is accepted... apart from yours, WLW. So?

Manky Horrible Brussel Sprout

How weird is this? My list would be

THE EXACT OPPOSITE! ORANGE RULES

 

ADVERTISEMENTS

Adverts should have credits at the end. I mean, how many times have you wondered who did that song, or who that guy is? Sometimes you wonder who trained the chimps to talk like that in the PG Tips ads, because you want to go and shake their hand.

And you wonder who the AOL woman is, so you can hunt her down in the middle of the night. This problem has plagued mankind since, well, last week.

So the solution? Advert credits.

Hummingbird of Prey

It's a good idea. Sometimes I'd like

TO KNOW WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE!

 

'ZINERS

My views on David Beckham winning the Sports Personality Of The Year Award:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHA... personality?

Milton and Me

'Twas a very unfunny joke indeed —

NOT EXACTLY THE BRIGHTEST BULB