Mega-Zine
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July 23, 2001

SECLUDED RAINBOW Now, don't get me wrong, he was great in Scooby Doo but I really don't think much of Shaggy's musical career! Me neither, horrible!

SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT If trees were the size of raspberries, where would all the monkeys live? In prefabs, in a cul-de-sac, outskirts of Derby.

MISUNDERSTOOD FLAPDOODLE It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it! Indeed it is, just ask politicians!

 

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

How funny would it be on a scale of one to 10, if I bought a red car and the last three letters on the number plate were R-E-D?

How funny would it be on a scale of one to 10, if I shouted "algebra" repeatedly at my English teacher?

If you answered "seven" to both of these questions, then congratulations. You think they are both quite funny.

The Man With The Golden Bun

Hmmmmm... I was sort of going for

A 4 AND A 5... SORRY

 

SITUATIONS WHEN NOT TO SNEEZE

  1. While brushing your teeth
  2. If you have a nosebleed
  3. While performing brain surgery
  4. While giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
  5. At a hypochondriacs convention

Parsley Possum

Or with a mouthful of coleslaw —

TRUST ME!

 

SOX AND SANDALS

Is it just a British thing where people try and combine the ventilation of a sandal with the heat-inducing effect of a woolly sock?

Why is it always middle-aged men that fall victim to this fashion faux pas? Why are the sandals in question always leather? And why are the socks never clean?

You have been warned, don't try this at home.

Lady of the Dead

It is a revolting sight, isn't it?

AND YES — THEY ARE ALL BRITISH

 

DEAR 'ZINE

There's a lot to be said for watching Channel 5. For example, tune in to the end of the Pepsi Chart (with mute on, naturally) and you will be treated to the week's number one artist(s) "performing" their new masterpiece.

The fun comes at the very end of the show, when the Initial logo blazes across the screen. This week, for one glorious fleeting moment, it looked as if Hear'Say's heads had caught fire!

Ms Jane Lane

And, of course, Family Affairs —

QUALITY (-) DRAMA (+) OF A SUNDAY

 

LET'S HAVE A GAME OF 'ZINE BIG BROTHER!

My idea:

  1. Lock Hear'Say, Westlife, Britney Spears and MSP in a house for 64 days.
  2. Forget to show it on TV.
  3. Throw away the key.
  4. Scrap the nominations, replace all chickens with crocodiles.
  5. Give them tasks like "make a replica of the Eiffel Tower with fly dung" and "write a good song", so they fail.

Worth a try, huh?

Girl On The Oatmeal Box

It's a marvellous idea — and maybe

FORGET TO DELIVER ANY FOOD TOO

 

THOUGHTS FROM A FEVERED IMAGINATION

I see nothing. I feel nothing. Am I nothing? Actually, I'm everything. Just a pea in an infinite vacuum.

Knowledge is power, but there is nothing to know. Am I therefore a deity or just another ghoulish entity that lurks in the shadows?

The only light source is the humming of my solace. I am blinded by the silence.

Creature Of The Wheel

You're thinking too much again — watch

'BIG BROTHER LIVE'... SO, SO DULL

 

WLW

Is your Mavis named after the Mansun songs? 'Cos I love Mansun and wondered if you (or indeed your cat) liked them too? Does she enjoy singing the lyrics to Stripper Vicar in the early hours of the morning?

Or maybe... the songs were written about your cat? Wow! You have a famous mog! Can I have her paw-print? I'll be her fan for life.

FLicKeR

She's a bit off with Mansun at the mo —

NO ROYALTY CHEQUES FOR A MONTH NOW