The Mega-Zine Museum
March 15, 2001
ELLIE THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Why do people use ironic instead of sarcastic? Sarcastic is a much better word. For example — you can say someone is sarky, but you can't say they're iroy, can you? You could, but best not to.
SHE WHO LOST THE PLOT Ever tried to shrinkwrap a whole cow? And I would try to shrinkwrap one because?
LI'L GLITTER QT Just a thought — if one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to as well? Let's hope so.
WLW
There is a tree that lives outside my door and I swear it's Ryan Giggs. It is! It sooooo is!
From this mystical tree, I have gained all of my special powers. I am so powerful that I control a gathering of Trendies who want to be me! They do exactly as I tell them.
I have given them all names — my favourites are Trudie and Evil Betty. I can fly too.
Kiss The Goose
Ryan Giggs? Special powers?
NOT VERY LIKELY, IS IT?
WLW
I would like to unveil my new Norbex substitute, 'I Can't Believe It's Not Norbex!
"Hi, I'm a really wacky guy and if you don't agree with my opinions, you must be a Townie. That's right — Manics fans are great and I like Manics fans because I enjoy simplistic, repetitive MOR and I don't like stupid Townies that disagree with me."
Oh, what have I done?
Parsley Possum
You know full well what you've done —
PLAY NICELY OR I'M KEEPING THE BALL
WLW AND TELETEXT ADDICTS
Now then, the important issue of a 'Zine anthem. May I suggest Disco 2000 by Pulp? The tune is years old now but still cheers me up every time I hear it. The same effect as reading these hallowed pages.
So, I say to you 'Ziners, "let's all meet up in the year 2000" (make that 2020). Not in Walsall or Wolverhampton, but Worcester! There must be others out there from this inanely boring city?
Insane Jam Sow
Worcester? Oh dear, makes Walsall a
VERITABLE TEEMING METROPOLIS!
THANK 4
Thank 4 for TFI, I'll miss that ginger nugget.
Thank 4 for Spaced, best sitcom ever.
Thank 4 for all the great British films it's helped to make.
Thank 4 for late-night TV in general.
Thank 4 for its fly-on-the-wall documentaries.
Thank 4 for Teletext and the 'Zine.
Everyone — WE LOVE YOU CHANNEL 4!
Right, any jobs going?
Odd Foz
Smoothie — wanna be my PA? Maybe you
SHOULD SEE THE JOB SPEC FIRST!
WLW
Apparently, Telescope The Veil In Brum (she's a kinky babe) is going to send you a letter about me (Savage Cabbage).
Can you print it, please? I have no idea what she's gonna tell you about me but can you print it on 'Zine if it's not too obscene?
Savage Cabbage
It was
AND I CAN'T!
TOAST
It is well-known that toast always lands butter side down. Therefore, if you butter toast on both sides and then drop it, it will land on both sides simultaneously.
It is not possible for two things to occupy the same space so this will cause a tear in space-time, thus negating all existence.
DJ Funkee Meister
You could just eat crackers and cheese
— THUS AVOIDING THE TOAST DILEMMA
FOR THE POETRY PEOPLE
I'm falling through time
So slowly it hurts
No sound, just a mime.
And when I reach the bottom
If I get that far
I won't remember who you are.
Snaz's Overactive Yet Beautiful And Disturbing Imagination
Brings a tear to a glass eye —
NO, REALLY
