Mega-Zine
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February 22, 2001

CARWASHSUPERSTAR The 'Zine anthem has to be Stuck With Me by Green Day. The line "I'm not part of your elite, I'm just all right" is a sentiment any 'Ziner can relate to. Green Day... nah.

PEDIGREE'S CHUM I'm growing an Afro — beat that! I can't, really I can't.

THE REVOLUTIONARY CARROT Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be a tomato! Cue pre-recorded applause and really bad makeover.

 

WLW AND 'ZINERS

In my opinion, 'Zine is split into three sections by its readers:

Popular (ie: mentioned a lot) — She Who Lost The Plot, Plughole Fantasy

Regular — such as myself, Broccoli and most other 'Ziners

One Letter Wonders — complaining about trendies, MSP, going on about cats and chocolate just to get printed.

Sadistically Evil And Notorious

'Tis a tissue of lies — it depends

ENTIRELY ON THE SIZE OF THE PRESSIE

 

DEAR 'ZINERS

There are a number of questions that we have to subconsciously answer, eg:

Mars or Snickers?
Coco Pops or Frosties?
Ketchup or brown sauce?
Hobnob or digestive?
Sandwich or Pot Noodle?

Life is full of tough decisions.

The Man With The Golden Bun

It is indeed, though I don't think

ANY OF THESE QUALIFY

 

WHO IS WLW?

I have made a shocking discovery. WLW is not just one person, they are a super race of battery-powered plastiZINE models who work for Davord, in much the same way as Willy Wonka's Umpalumpas.

Their tasks include printing letters to the 'Zine, getting additional pages and emptying Norbex's litter tray.

The Varying Oxymoron

And emptying his tray ain't pretty —

WHAT ON EARTH DOES HE EAT?

 

WLW

What am I doing wrong? Why don't you print my e-mails? Was it something I said? Was it something I didn't say?

Oh hell, I missed our anniversary again, didn't I? WLW — how can I make it up to you? Will you ever forgive me?

How many questions can I ask in one e-mail? Who knows the answer?

Does anyone? Do you?

Spanking Cheese Mongfish

Are you mad? Are you just tired?

DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO?

 

WLW

The bandwagon rolls down my street.

Name:The Voices In Cyril's Head
Age:What is this? 20 questions? I don't need to justify myself to you.
If I want to remain just a voice and not a person, I will and I don't need you dressing me up in women's underwear and calling me Ethel.
And show some respect to tangerines — they're not oranges!

The Voices In Cyril's Head

OK OK —

SORRY I ASKED!

 

'ZINERS

Running from hordes of OAPs, midgets and bubblegum pop lovers, I ran into the open door. Ouch.

"Any chocolate?" asked a figure in the shadows. After handing over my last Rolo, I was escorted in.

So this was 'Zine. Scared of the spikey-haired metallers, and not wanting to run into Norbex just yet, I went and hid in the corner...

Mr Zippy (The One In The Corner)

Very wise... I've been here for aeons

AND I STILL GET SCARED

 

'ZINERS

After centuries of waiting, paranoid that WLW didn't like my post, I cannot begin to describe the intense "I stood up too quickly" feeling I experienced from actually reading my first message.

Like pistachio nuts, I had to have one more and so I write this babble and give it to you in the anticipation of seeing it on screen once more.

Odd Foz

So — nothing actually to say then?

LITTLE THINGS ETC...