The Mega-Zine Museum
August 31, 2000
DARK GREY WOLF OF NORBEX It amazes me that the ugly, fat girls who have just called ME ugly, have the nerve! Pay no attention poppet. Skin deep etc etc.
BUTTONHOLE BETTY WLW — please print this! I've even drawn a pretty picture of all the things you like: Arsenal, cats, chocolate, Lolly, mushrooms... oops! Oops indeed missy!
PLUGHOLE FANTASY Show this letter and give two lucky 'Ziners the honour of being on the same page as me! You need a new PR man Plughole... and fast!
HOW TO SPOT A B**KCH*TT*R
- If the letter makes any sense at all, chances are it's one of them.
- If they ask for advice ('does piercing hurt?' as opposed to 'how do I get my cat out of my pig?', there's a 70% chance.
- If they use names like 'Caramel-Eyed Corr' or 'Hair No 102 (on famous person's head)', then it's a dead cert!
Next week: How to spot an albino cow.
The Psychotic Peanut
S'funny, 'Zine letters make sense to me
BUT LETTERS TO B**KCH*T? NAH!
'ZINERS
I was with my mates the other day and explained a natural progression to them. I will show you how...
Pixie-elf-woodling-trailseeker-tracker-pathfinder-'Ziner
Simple — see? And they looked at me rather like the way you are looking at the screen now.
Think about it.
New Model Ziner
I see. Okay, how about... chocolate-WLW-
...YOU SEE? NATURAL PROGRESSION!
WLW
Can you forgive me? Can you? I have made the gravest mistake and I am stricken with guilt.
With little money and much food to buy I... I... bought Tesco Value mixed fruit jam!
More like jelly. Vile, vile, vile! Oh raspberry jam I miss you! I'm sorry.
I think I'll rob a trendy and buy a big batch of raspberry doughnuts in your honour.
Resident Wierdo
Tesco Value? Nooooooooooooooooo!
ONE STEP AWAY FROM A SOUP KITCHEN!
'ZINERS
I'm being chucked out for being a bad girl. Do any of you know of a refuge for neurotic Goth girls on a tight budget? In Wales?
Does anyone else believe that Richey James is still alive?
And Mr Blair, I'm gonna take over your puppet-string-attached Welsh 'assembly' and Wales will be run by ME... not you!
Nicky's Angel
Tough talk — what about policies?
GOT ANY POLICIES? ANY AT ALL?
WLW
So, you get thrown out of school and you think 'hey... freedom!' — but no. You have to battle your way out of your parents' grasp, 'cos the say you're too young to travel.
Then you've got to look like you've got some sense of direction. Direction? I feel like a way more screwed-up/shot away working class version of Cher in Clueless!
Riot Grrl
Get a cat. Dunno how that will help
BUT GET ONE. THEY'RE KEWL!
'ZINERS
I had a conversation with a friend about Zippy (from Rainbow), and we both agree that Zippy is truly great and hilariously funny.
Only an extraordinary creative genius could have created Zippy. Either that, or a scientist combining John Major's genes with those of a frog.
Psychedelic Gloom
I was a George fan myself...
STUPID BUT COMPLEX AT THE SAME TIME
