Mega-Zine
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January 27, 1996

HONG KONG STUEY says Aston Villa are chewing gum on the shoes of Spurs. Zzzz

MACHETE MAN is threatening to take over all radio stations in the UK. Fine by me, mate.

MUTE WITNESS is not the hero of the film of that name. Phew.

TATH AND BOB (such prolific writers) wonder if Dale Winton is the Roswell alien. They also think that The Great Escape is the worst album ever.

Thought for the day:

A HAIRCUT THAT MEETS STYLING IS LAME

 

1996 MUSICAL PREDICTIONS

  1. Jarvis retires to chicken barn. Cockel doodle doo!
  2. The Boo Radleys release a single with Bernard Matthews called Bootiful.
  3. Liam leaves Oasis to go down the take away. He comes back with Bonehead's fave.
  4. Videohead don't kill the Radiohead.

Mute Witness, cutting some rug

 

GONZO'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

  1. Thou shalt not insult the Muppets
  2. Thou shalt watch Sesame Street daily
  3. Thou shalt insult Oasis
  4. Thou shalt support Chelsea
  5. Thou shalt laugh at every Newcastle supporter (ha ha)
  6. Thou shalt bow to Blur and Pulp
  7. Thou shalt ignore Savo
  8. Thou shalt not like tennis
  9. or golf
  10. Thou shalt believe in Father Christmas.

Artist formerly known as Gonzo

Rather onerous rules to live by

HOW MANY YEARS' TRAINING NEEDED?

 

DEAR 'ZINE

I can't stand dance music. The principles are very simple and any Bob, Tim or Barry could make a dance record:

  • Someone at the front holds a weird-looking guitar with no strings while someone else bangs randomly on a pair of bongo drums. When he "its" 'em a SNARE drum sound is heard.
  • A third person tries to play the keyboard. A word of advice: plug it in, it works better.

Future Idiot

If only Milli Vanilli had known this

IT WOULD HAVE SAVED A LOT OF GRIEF

 

HOORAY!

I can play a song on my £15 acoustic guitar bought at a car-boot sale.

I had a book to learn from but it's full of folk songs. Anyway, I learnt the eight chords and ended up being able to play The Beatles' Eight Days A Week.

I'm dead chuffed. I almost gave up trying. It only took me 15 minutes to work it out. Look out Mr Gallagher!

Ringo's Mop Top Hairshop

 

TOP FIVE CULT TV PROGRAMMES

  1. Red Dwarf
  2. Newman and Baddiel
  3. Fantasy Football League
  4. Quantum Leap
  5. Fist of Fun

RZA